My Size...My Life

When reading more of my Jemima J: A Novel About Ugly Ducklings and Swans by Jane Green i came across this sentence:

"My size dictates my social life, and my size is the one I can't control."

This made me quite angry on the inside and i felt so passionate about this one sentence i actually sat down and planned this blog. Normally i go with the flow and let it all out.

I may have mentioned before that my mother was very large, I'm not sure of her exact weight but I'm guessing over 400 lbs maybe even up to 500 lbs. She had to have clothes made for her and she always wore bright colours. I associate blood red and fuchsia pink clothing with my mum. She was very successful in her job, she was always at business do's, talking to all these business men, she threw excellent parties.

Since she has lost weight i have learnt that she was not a happy woman, but as every woman does, she masked her depression and only shows to the world the positive, happy woman she knew she could be. I never saw her unhappy, at least from my recollections i never did.

I had a good collection of friends as a grew up, life long ones, who liked me for me and i felt i was not judged. I was not bullied, either, looking back i could count myself lucky for that. Sure there was bitchiness but never bullying.

My mum also nurtured a self confidence in me. She made me go to the counters and order stuff, all by myself. Whether it be a train station to buy tickets, in a restaurant to ask the waitress for something, or even fast food outlets. She "trained" me to speak to strangers, to complain and stand up for my rights.

Writing this paragraphs I understand i am a lucky individual. I am lucky i had a role model in my mum, who started my education on the university of life early. I have grown up knowing that the world IS my oyster and i decide my life, my future.

There are times when inevitably my size did dictate my life, i could not buy clothes from the normal retail outlets, i walked slower but never did it ever dictate my social life, i would not let it! I went out to pubs and clubs. I had boyfriends, i went to the cinema, i went to the mall. Although some of the world may have seen me as abnormal.... in my heart i was normal and boy did i let the world that.

And saying that, the character in the book saying that the weight issue is something she cannot control angers me too. It is totally in her control... as my weight is in my control. It's up to the the individual to realise this and take control.

I don't know, i had this blog so clear in my head and now i feel like i am being harsh. Maybe because i saw mum do so well in her professional career and so confident i know that i can be and that weight is never really an issue. All i know for sure that because of my mum i am the person i am and...

My size DOES NOT dictate my social life and my size IS the one thing i CAN control!

A weighty read

I love to read fiction books, mainly from the romantic genre, some may even call it Chic Lit. Doesn't bother me, i just get lost in the authors world and make it my own. I love some of my books so much i am constantly re-reading them. Which is what inspired me to write this post.

I picked up Jemima J (by Jane Green) 5 years ago in a charity shop not because of what the synopses said, oh no, I'm far too shallow for that! I really do judge a book by it's cover and i liked what i saw. I took it back home and when i realised it was about a young woman in her 20's who was over weight and transformed her self and made a fresh start in the USA i was sucked in and could not put it down. Each time i read it i can relate.

Still fairly new on this life changing course that is losing weight i decided to re read it. Just pages in i am already liking and associating my self with Jemima.

"...I actively avoid walking past building sites of any description - they see my large, round stomach, the thighs that rub together when i walk. Unfortunately they don't see what i see when i look in the mirror. Selective visualization, i think I'll call it. They don't see my glossy light brown hair...my green eyes...my full lips"

In my case it's not building sites i avoid, it's groups of young people, especially groups of boys. They are not all bad, after all i am an aspiring youth worker, however i have had bad experiences in the past. Teen boys can be cruel and can have no shame and know that they can get away with it as people are now too scared to confront them as the level of street knife and gun crime is on the rise. People do not know who they can and can't confront.

When i look in the mirror i don't see a fat girl. I see a beautiful young woman with sparkly eyes, full lips, thick hair, a smile that knocks people's socks off. If you ignore the fat *shudder* stomach that bulges, you can see an hour glass silhouette.

"They don't notice the clothes either, because, despite weighing far, far more than i should, i don't let myself go. I always make an effort. I mean, look at me now. if i were slim, you would say i look fantastic in my bold striped trousers and long tunic top in a perfectly matching shade of orange. But no, because of the size i am people look at me and thing, 'God, she shouldn't wear such bright colours, she shouldn't draw attention to herself' But why shouldn't I enjoy clothes?"

It's true. Why shouldn't I enjoy clothes? And i do, I adore fashion but never feel like i can really follow the fashion as it hasn't been tailored to the larger young woman. I don't know about you, but personally i do not like my arms. I am guessing there are other women like me who don't and if they had the choice would rather cover them up with a bit of a sleeve. Shops are constantly only selling those strappy tops. That would be perfect if it had just that little bit of a sleeve that covered the top! They also seem to think that because we have limited choice, that any old fabric with a second class pattern will do for a top price.

So back to my original point. I find it so important to read, i always try to read every day, even if it is just a page a day. I find books that you can find inspiring as well as entertaining the best. What i believe started me losing weight was a book called "The Perfect 10" by Louise Kean .

A girl called Sunny had lost life changing amounts of weight and it was just so inspiring. I mean i did feel the book ran out of steam towards the end but that was the love story part but i was more interesting in her own personal weight loss story and about people's judgement and how friend's attitudes change towards you when you no longer are the fat friend.

All in all i only have 2 weight loss related books, 4 if you include 2 autobiographies. I have Sharon Osbourn's books and another by Mikyla Dodd and her book is called 'The Fat Girl from "Hollyoaks"

She has lost over 150 pounds and you can get the gist of her story here.

Do you guys have any weigh loss related fiction or biographies that you love to read, or inspires you? I'd love to hear your literary choices.

Girl in Fatsuit
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