Day 1

So my last post was more for me than for you, it was a reminder that this is something i am going to do, and give it my best again. It's written down and something i now have to follow through.

I am going to have to reset all my stats, will add to the stats column and add my lowest weight. At the moment i won't be going to a class as my  work schedule is all over the place and was one thing (along with laziness) that stopped the whole process.

Today so far i have eaten 37 out of my 47 points, i have no idea what to have for my last 10. i know i should eat up all my points. I am planning to get on the wii for at least 30 mins (stepping, boxing and hoola hooping).

I am also doing a shopping list so i can plan and make healthy meals, although i feel like i have forgotten all my healthy meals after binging on pizza, chips and take away for the past few months. I am getting fresh vegetables, lean meat, and filling foods. Although, and i am sure you agree with me on this, i just wish i could have a cook that made me my meals and said "here you go, it will fill you up and its super delicious!"

 I have been using these wii weights and i'm hoping they will add to the work out. I use them when i'm doing my stepping, and i do the stepping for about 10 minutes, because you put it on in the background and watch regular tv and the wii remote plays a rhythmic beat so you can keep up with the steps. i also am using them for the boxing. I would recommend them as they aren't super heavy and you do feel like you have done a workout! I've posted a link of the exact ones i am using below.

Today has been ok, i've been trying to change my bad habits. I was some chocolate fingers on the table when i got in and instinctively went to have some, but i realised what i was doing and stopped. That's something to pat myself on the back for. These little things that we say no to, is almost an achievement in itself, because i don't know about you, but for me, it's hard to say no. Not when you are in your own home and no one around to judge you for what you are, maybe not even necessarily realise, eating. These first few days are hard if you have not watched what you ate. I'm sure my stomach has been stretched by what i have eaten, i now need to slowly wait and let it shrink back by eating sensible portions. Feeling hungry is the worst feeling for an over eater like myself. I'm feeling it now, i'm going to go have some strawberries (0pp) and drink some water to quiet down the pangs.

 

Inspiration needed!

It has been a while since my last entry. I've not been at the laptop as much since i got my phone back. But i can't blog on my phone tho, which is not cool.

Last week i went to the North East with BF. I didn't get to go to the gym or go for a jog. I ate sweets at the cinema, take out and drank alcohol. So i put on 4 pounds. I have been hitting it hard at the gym since. I went on Saturday evening after work and then today. I keep hitting that darn wall when it comes to jogging. I'm still on week 3 of my C25K and only seem to be doing 2k. By the second 3 minute jog half of me is begging to stop, the other half is begging and willing me to carry on, that i can do it.

I don't quit, If i do need to take a breather and rest my legs i do it during the walking bit.

I can't seem to get motivation though. I'm currently stuck in the 280's.... how can i be struggling already? All i keep thinking is that i can't believe i let me self go so much last week. I could be out of the 280's and be in the 270's by now. I wanna reach 30 lbs lost! i was so close and all!

But it's just a blip. I will go past it! I will exercise my shrinking butt off these next few weeks so i can escape this blip! I am now going to set up my goal list and bucket list to keep me focused.

I read on someones blog at some point... I'm sorry i can't remember who, let me know if it was you. But for every pound you lose you should add a paper clip to create a paper clip chain. I've got that up in my room. I look forward to adding the paper clip(s) and feel gutted every time i have to remove one (or more).

Who else has tips to keep me motivated now that i do not go to Weight Watchers?

My Size...My Life

When reading more of my Jemima J: A Novel About Ugly Ducklings and Swans by Jane Green i came across this sentence:

"My size dictates my social life, and my size is the one I can't control."

This made me quite angry on the inside and i felt so passionate about this one sentence i actually sat down and planned this blog. Normally i go with the flow and let it all out.

I may have mentioned before that my mother was very large, I'm not sure of her exact weight but I'm guessing over 400 lbs maybe even up to 500 lbs. She had to have clothes made for her and she always wore bright colours. I associate blood red and fuchsia pink clothing with my mum. She was very successful in her job, she was always at business do's, talking to all these business men, she threw excellent parties.

Since she has lost weight i have learnt that she was not a happy woman, but as every woman does, she masked her depression and only shows to the world the positive, happy woman she knew she could be. I never saw her unhappy, at least from my recollections i never did.

I had a good collection of friends as a grew up, life long ones, who liked me for me and i felt i was not judged. I was not bullied, either, looking back i could count myself lucky for that. Sure there was bitchiness but never bullying.

My mum also nurtured a self confidence in me. She made me go to the counters and order stuff, all by myself. Whether it be a train station to buy tickets, in a restaurant to ask the waitress for something, or even fast food outlets. She "trained" me to speak to strangers, to complain and stand up for my rights.

Writing this paragraphs I understand i am a lucky individual. I am lucky i had a role model in my mum, who started my education on the university of life early. I have grown up knowing that the world IS my oyster and i decide my life, my future.

There are times when inevitably my size did dictate my life, i could not buy clothes from the normal retail outlets, i walked slower but never did it ever dictate my social life, i would not let it! I went out to pubs and clubs. I had boyfriends, i went to the cinema, i went to the mall. Although some of the world may have seen me as abnormal.... in my heart i was normal and boy did i let the world that.

And saying that, the character in the book saying that the weight issue is something she cannot control angers me too. It is totally in her control... as my weight is in my control. It's up to the the individual to realise this and take control.

I don't know, i had this blog so clear in my head and now i feel like i am being harsh. Maybe because i saw mum do so well in her professional career and so confident i know that i can be and that weight is never really an issue. All i know for sure that because of my mum i am the person i am and...

My size DOES NOT dictate my social life and my size IS the one thing i CAN control!

A weighty read

I love to read fiction books, mainly from the romantic genre, some may even call it Chic Lit. Doesn't bother me, i just get lost in the authors world and make it my own. I love some of my books so much i am constantly re-reading them. Which is what inspired me to write this post.

I picked up Jemima J (by Jane Green) 5 years ago in a charity shop not because of what the synopses said, oh no, I'm far too shallow for that! I really do judge a book by it's cover and i liked what i saw. I took it back home and when i realised it was about a young woman in her 20's who was over weight and transformed her self and made a fresh start in the USA i was sucked in and could not put it down. Each time i read it i can relate.

Still fairly new on this life changing course that is losing weight i decided to re read it. Just pages in i am already liking and associating my self with Jemima.

"...I actively avoid walking past building sites of any description - they see my large, round stomach, the thighs that rub together when i walk. Unfortunately they don't see what i see when i look in the mirror. Selective visualization, i think I'll call it. They don't see my glossy light brown hair...my green eyes...my full lips"

In my case it's not building sites i avoid, it's groups of young people, especially groups of boys. They are not all bad, after all i am an aspiring youth worker, however i have had bad experiences in the past. Teen boys can be cruel and can have no shame and know that they can get away with it as people are now too scared to confront them as the level of street knife and gun crime is on the rise. People do not know who they can and can't confront.

When i look in the mirror i don't see a fat girl. I see a beautiful young woman with sparkly eyes, full lips, thick hair, a smile that knocks people's socks off. If you ignore the fat *shudder* stomach that bulges, you can see an hour glass silhouette.

"They don't notice the clothes either, because, despite weighing far, far more than i should, i don't let myself go. I always make an effort. I mean, look at me now. if i were slim, you would say i look fantastic in my bold striped trousers and long tunic top in a perfectly matching shade of orange. But no, because of the size i am people look at me and thing, 'God, she shouldn't wear such bright colours, she shouldn't draw attention to herself' But why shouldn't I enjoy clothes?"

It's true. Why shouldn't I enjoy clothes? And i do, I adore fashion but never feel like i can really follow the fashion as it hasn't been tailored to the larger young woman. I don't know about you, but personally i do not like my arms. I am guessing there are other women like me who don't and if they had the choice would rather cover them up with a bit of a sleeve. Shops are constantly only selling those strappy tops. That would be perfect if it had just that little bit of a sleeve that covered the top! They also seem to think that because we have limited choice, that any old fabric with a second class pattern will do for a top price.

So back to my original point. I find it so important to read, i always try to read every day, even if it is just a page a day. I find books that you can find inspiring as well as entertaining the best. What i believe started me losing weight was a book called "The Perfect 10" by Louise Kean .

A girl called Sunny had lost life changing amounts of weight and it was just so inspiring. I mean i did feel the book ran out of steam towards the end but that was the love story part but i was more interesting in her own personal weight loss story and about people's judgement and how friend's attitudes change towards you when you no longer are the fat friend.

All in all i only have 2 weight loss related books, 4 if you include 2 autobiographies. I have Sharon Osbourn's books and another by Mikyla Dodd and her book is called 'The Fat Girl from "Hollyoaks"

She has lost over 150 pounds and you can get the gist of her story here.

Do you guys have any weigh loss related fiction or biographies that you love to read, or inspires you? I'd love to hear your literary choices.

Girl in Fatsuit
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My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict...

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict. Let me tell you about my drug, it is so accessible! It's everywhere. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, it's not illegal, and there are thousands of different versions that you can have! It's food.

The past few nights i have been craving sweets, sweet chocolate, dessert, anything with caramel or chocolate to be honest. I even seriously thought about driving to McDonald's and getting my strange but ultra tasty mix treat... fries and caramel sundae. I love to dip the fries in the ice cream and then eat the caramel last. But i have stopped my self. It is so easy to think " Just one more chocolate bar or just one more chip, just one more..." But it never really is worth it.

I have felt like a total addict recently. I have needed hits of sugar to satisfy me, otherwise i get all agitated and feel like i am missing something. Sometimes i give in, sometimes i manage to control myself. It's a thing i do now. Do i really want this? How will i feel if i eat this? Will it really make me feel better? Is my body craving sugar or is it my brain/feelings?

Having these thoughts of addiction in my mind i went on the net to look it up. I found that not only was i not alone in having these feelings but there is scientific proof about having these feelings.

"A team from Scripps Research Institute in Florida found binging on junk food triggered the same chemical release in the brain that heroin and cocaine addicts experience when they get high."

So because i am cutting out the chocolate, ice cream, fries (god i miss them sometimes) i am having withdrawal symptoms. In a way, that is rather sad and i want to be able to control these feelings, temptations and cravings but sometimes i just can't. I do sometimes have a weak moment and "binge" on junk food. Why could i not just binge on carrot sticks and lettuce? But what is different to me binging before March 2010 and after is that i binge an awful lot less and i now exercise.

Plus binging then and now are completely two different things. Before i could polish off a tub of ice cream, eat tons of pop corn, giant bars of chocolate. Now i will have a white chocolate bueno (4p for the 2 bars), i buy WW carrot cake slices because they are 1p a slice i don't feel too guilty about it and they are delicious too! They have a layer of icing too which satisfy my cravings. So delicious are they that the boyfriend even eats them. Although as any addict would, i get annoyed at the boyfriend eating them... they ARE my carrot cake slices after all!

Before i used to over indulge, now i treat within my points. I may not be knowledgeable in many areas but i do know this. I have a healthier attitude to food, if i can't help but to feed my withdrawals i know that i can redeem my self later on, not say "oh well i blew it for today i might as well carry on" which is something i used to say.

This addiction with food is something i can overcome but don't think i will ever shake off. I can keep the addiction monster at bay but bring out the good stuff at the wrong time and it can be set off again. I know that and can accept that. But for now, i am still working at it.