Boyfriend and i were fighting, and because of his injury he was feeling down because i was unable to do things, so he spent all his time on the xbox, and i felt ignored, rejected...unloved. The boy would spend all his time on the xbox, or round our friend's house who has a broken elbow...playing xbox. He didn't want to do anything, he would rather
So i when I'd go and sit with him and he ignored me and carried on playing COD2 and talking to his friend, I'd get up and leave and head to the kitchen/freezer/shop. Instead of cuddles at night I'd get his back turned to me. Now i don't handle this form of rejection very well, if you can call it rejection. Someone who loved to cuddle, play, kiss, talk and all other couple things, to having the back turned on me just made me feel worthless, unwanted. It wasn't true of course but my mind loves telling me things that aren't true. I very often slept downstairs. One night I'd bought chocolate at the petrol station, not those little bars, but those big share bags that us who have this eating disorder (where we don't stop eating because we are either happy, sad, nervous, scared, depressed, excited, celebrating..name the feeling and we'll find a reason to eat) don't actually share. So i opened these 2 share bags had some before bed, (mattress on floor in sitting room) and i found myself waking up throughout the night eating the chocolate then going back to sleep.
Recently i also stated to buy the big bar of whole nut cadbury's dairy milk (share) bars, a 99p (share) bag of Doritos and a (normal) bag of Japanese style rice crackers. I'd eat the rice crackers first then alternate bites between the chocolate and Doritos. I know I'm shameful.
But i didn't really want to face my funk, i was much happier (so to speak) ignoring my unhappiness, ignoring my eating habits, thus ignoring twitter world. So I've got to completely stop this old behaviour of mine where i gorge on bad icky food and get back to normal and eat small portions, and only eat (snack size) treats once in a while.
Boyfriend and i are back on track, I've banished the xbox from the bedroom, so he can have his sanctuary up in the attic and i can have the bedroom as sanctuary thus not being banished to the kitchen. If that make sense.
Hey, it happens! Part of the pathology of emotional/compulsive eating is that it becomes so hard to stop once you start. When you get to a healthier point you'll be able to treat yourself with 1 chocolate bar, or 1 small bag of Doritos (if desired) and that will feel like it's enough for you. But at this point in your journey, something like that is the thin edge of the wedge. As a recovered/recovering bulimic I understand how delicate the balance can be. When I am in an emotional place sometimes I have to muster up all the strength I have to keep control because I know I can end up doing so much damage in such a short timeframe if I let my guard down.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you get a fresh start. Sounds like things are back to where they should be with the BF. It is so hard when you feel like you're being denied affection. Don't beat yourself up too much over the choices you've been making, just start making better ones. You can do it!
Hi. I'm not that good with some of these web things. Is there an emoticon for a hug?
ReplyDeleteWe follow each other on Twitter; you've been kind enough to include me in your #FF lists, and I have you on a "peeps to keep up with" list. (I don't #FF, but I do have some private lists, and I am paying attention.)
How brave of you to write and keep writing. I imagine it does help? I know that's why I wrote and wrote and still write and write about so many things, one of which was what felt like my love hate relationship with food and my body.
Since you do write and it seems to come so easily to you, I hope you don't mind if I share this...
Your use of the word shameful reminded me of something that I did recently. Whenever I thought about it - which seemed like constantly and was for at least a good day or so - I would think "I am so ashamed. How could I have done that."
In this instance, it didn't have to do with food, but how I had behaved as a mother. The feelings, though, reminded me of how I used to feel when I did binge. Ashamed, and filled with a disappointment and a dread that this was going to lead to more. And then of course more shame, because look at my behavior, how would I be able to stop a person like me?
Then I realized.
That I had stopped. And I started writing about the stopping. Not one word about what had happened. (No need anyway, that was burned on my brain.) But about the stopping. Because stopping was what I wanted to continue.
And the more I wrote about the stopping, the more comfortable I became with the possibility that I could be trusted to stop again.
As I read your post, I saw stopping. (And I wasn't even there, all I have is what I read.) For example...
When you went to the petrol store, you could have gotten more than one bag, but you didn't.
When you woke up to eat chocolate, you could have eaten it all at once, but you stopped.
You are a person who stops.
If you don't mind me saying so, I'd keep going with her. She's already at your stop.
Best,
Karen
Hey
ReplyDeleteWelcome back.
Don't be to hard on yourself, we all have these rocky moments and fall into unhealthy patterns for various reasons. You know you have been unhappy and are resolving it so good on you. Keep your chin up and put it down to experience don't dwell on it and start with a fresh mind.
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