Bad week.

So i had a very very disappointing weigh in. I have gained 3 pounds, since Tuesday (my unofficial weigh in) so in reality since last week i have gained an extra pound, so in two weeks i have gained in 5 pounds! WTF? How am i letting myself get away with this. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to set myself weekly goals as i have seen fellow bloggers do. Just to keep me in track.

Goals for this week:

1. Start Tracking food and drink again
2. Drink only water, milk and coffee
3. Go to the gym at least 3 times this week
4. Move on to Week 4 of C25K

It's just a teeny tiny post. I'm not quite in the mood for writing, but for wallowing. I also have to go food shopping with dad.

I have a ton of ideas tho of topics i want to write about. Well i say a ton, it's more like 3 at the moment.

Because I'm Worth It and So Are You!

I was just sitting out in the garden with my mum and my neighbours daughter who just had a sleeve put in. She was meant to have a bypass but problems with a previous gastric band surgery complicated matters.  So you could say conversation went from light banter to deep therapy.

Neighbour, lets call her Shirley, admitted that her therapist had said he had never met a patient so self loathing and she needs regular sessions. She kept telling us she was worthless, a waste of space... and it upset me. I have known Shirley all my life as she was a young teen when i was born. Her children and I played together throughout childhood. So to hear that she thinks she is absolutely worthless and a bad person is a terrible thing.

She's saying her husband is a better person than she is, that we all are. When she is just as good if not better! She runs a household, she cooks, cleans, has quite a high powered job, she's part of a committee of a rugby team, i could go on.

Mum was saying that she thought the main reason she was feeling like that was her husband. Let's call him Bob. So Bob apparently "puts Shirley down" and Shirley believes him. She puts him on a pedestal. In fact, i think the only reason she is still with him, not only for the sake of the children, but she truly believes no one out there will love her or fancy her. She is truly "under the thumb" so to speak and he wears the trousers.

I don't know if i find her feelings shocking because i am the complete opposite or that I've never heard her speak so honestly.  I'm now at the age I'm not the baby she knew, but a young woman who can become a confidant. It saddens me anyone can feel unworthy of what they deserve. Don't live the lives they dream of but one they think they should lead.

Am i one of the minority who think that losing weight will only make me even more prettier? I mean I don't feel on top of the world and beautiful everyday, but i do see myself as a beautiful curvy woman who can be sexy. How do you guys feel? Do you guys love yourself? Are you worth it?

I totally believe every single one of us is worth it. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Inspiration needed!

It has been a while since my last entry. I've not been at the laptop as much since i got my phone back. But i can't blog on my phone tho, which is not cool.

Last week i went to the North East with BF. I didn't get to go to the gym or go for a jog. I ate sweets at the cinema, take out and drank alcohol. So i put on 4 pounds. I have been hitting it hard at the gym since. I went on Saturday evening after work and then today. I keep hitting that darn wall when it comes to jogging. I'm still on week 3 of my C25K and only seem to be doing 2k. By the second 3 minute jog half of me is begging to stop, the other half is begging and willing me to carry on, that i can do it.

I don't quit, If i do need to take a breather and rest my legs i do it during the walking bit.

I can't seem to get motivation though. I'm currently stuck in the 280's.... how can i be struggling already? All i keep thinking is that i can't believe i let me self go so much last week. I could be out of the 280's and be in the 270's by now. I wanna reach 30 lbs lost! i was so close and all!

But it's just a blip. I will go past it! I will exercise my shrinking butt off these next few weeks so i can escape this blip! I am now going to set up my goal list and bucket list to keep me focused.

I read on someones blog at some point... I'm sorry i can't remember who, let me know if it was you. But for every pound you lose you should add a paper clip to create a paper clip chain. I've got that up in my room. I look forward to adding the paper clip(s) and feel gutted every time i have to remove one (or more).

Who else has tips to keep me motivated now that i do not go to Weight Watchers?

The lost art of letter writing

This morning as i was walking out the door there on the doormat was 1 letter and that letter was addressed to me! I was so excited as my name and address was hand written. It  was just my local MP invited me to an afternoon tea but i was feeling all happy because i had that hand written envelope. Sad i know but it got me thinking.

We as a world wide nation do not stop and take the time to write letters to our friends and family. We have the phone either land line or mobile, we have the Internet, facebook, twitter. We text, we email...we can even send our birthday cards via the Internet without putting pen to card.

So i was thinking, i would like a pen pal. I had one when i was younger and it was fun, i couldn't wait to receive my letter. I would love to start that up again. But i don't know how to start. In this day in age who can you trust? You are not only giving perhaps a stranger your address but in the letters you will be discussing your personal life. Has anyone got a pen pal or know how to get one?

Do you enjoy writing letters? Receiving kind words that someone has taken time for their life to write to you?

Answers on a postcard addressed to Girl in Fatsuit!

xxxx

Judgementals can Jog on!

On Friday i went out for my jog, and i am still on Week 2 of the C25K as well I'm unfit and i find it extremely difficult but I'm not letting it defeat me. I know i am very overweight and cannot expect to be Kelly Holmes (British Olympic runner) in a matter of a month and a half! I am preserving and it's working, i am continuously and gradually losing weight, so what i am doing it certainly working.

But back to my point, whilst i was running i saw a group of young kids, couldn't be older than 15. I hesitated, i didn't really want to go past them, but i thought to myself, no, why am i being scared of 4 kids? I'm judging them just by the stereotypical media portrayal. I've worked with young people, the image they give off generally is the opposite of what they normally are. So i said to myself I'll go past them but instead of jogging i will walk.

I saw one of the girls look at me, then nudge her friend. Her friend answered "what? what do you wanna show me?" i saw them look at me, and stifle a laugh. As i carried on walking, i could hear them laughing. Well i can safely say, i let 4 children ruin my workout. I was in tears. There i am trying to do something about my weight only to be laughed at. I hated that they made me cry, i hate that i let them hold power over me. But all i wanted to do is slump to the floor and cry. However i kept my head high and tried to keep my tears at bay. I went off with dignity back to the car.

So i can certainly say i will not go jogging round the park at 6 in the evening on a Friday during half term when the kids mean judgemental kids are out doing their drugs (yes they were sorting out their roll up). I look back and feel like i should of said something but a) we are still full of knife crime and any type of confrontation could bring up a possibility of something... who knows and b) if there was a confrontation gone bad....they could probably catch up to me if i ran away!

So as i said... yes i was humiliated but it won't deter me going out jogging! I'm a girl on a mission!

Sabotage

I have noticed recently that although my BFF says she supports me and regularly compliments me on weight loss she also encourages me to eat bad foods. I who have little will power always seem to let the temptations get the better of me and allow myself to order Indian or pizza, tuck into popcorn and drink coke.

Let me tell you a little about my BFF. We met at high school and we were both larger teens and we were pretty much instantly friends. I always looked up to her as an inspiration fashion wise, she was the sister i never had. I had a calming effect on her and tamed her wild ways. We were chalk and cheese in the best possible ways. When i transferred schools, we lost touch for a bit, she had a different set of friends and i another set. She lost a whole bunch of weight in this time by using lunch money for cigs. Whilst i used my lunch money for lunch and then some! But slowly after years we bother have piled on more weight. Me with a much larger appetite but still sharing our bad foods.

When i decided to lose weight i decided to do it for me. I did it quietly at first then decided why be quiet about it? i should be proud. This is when i feel like it's all started. BFF knows what are my weaknesses when it comes to food. Whenever we are round she always suggests an Indian or pizza... always giving me coke.

Now i know i cannot blame her entirely, it is my fault for also accepting it or caving in to the weakness. I mean after all i do not want to just sit there when everyone is eating (BFF, BFF's husband, friend and BF) whilst i microwave a ready meal.

She showed us some footage of her on her honeymoon and was shocked at how she looked. But when i say to her that she should come to the gym with me or join in the jogging then she changes her tune. It just angers me. Plus i know if she were to jog with me she would only drag me down, she would more than likely give up half way. I feel like i am bitching but it makes me angry. Angry that she moans and complains yet won't do anything about her weight, angry that she seems to ignore my health kick and is constantly trying to get me to join in with her bad habits but most of all, I am angry at myself. Angry that i let myself be dragged down. I really need a kick up the backside.

I put on a pound last week and i haven't been any better this week and expecting another pound on. Why am i undoing my own hard work. Why am i allowing not only my BFF to sabotage me but myself too?

much love
Fat Suit x