Thursday, 25 November 2010

Rollercoaster Ride

Hello all, I've been awfully quiet recently on the blog front, I've just been hard at work trying to meet a deadline with a business plan. I absolutely hate writing it, then i get into to and enjoy it then i get stuck and i go back to hating it... it's a vicious circle! However good news!

I have finally bought my domain name and have done a very basic layout with not very much detail in but it's up! I will get onto content next week or as soon as the business plan is finished... which ever is sooner. But check out what I've already done on any tips or advice as to what would make it better will be highly appreciated.

I have also been around to search for self storage, boy who knew it is such a competitive business! I get offers that can't be written down because competitors don't know about them, i get the hard sell... and it's so expensive! For what it is. I also visited the same company twice at separate locations and got completely different quotes and was being over sold insurance i did not need. I felt like an undercover mystery customer!

I alsocannot tell you have stressful this has been though, i have ended up in tears and a blabbering mess over a stupid profit and loss forecast! The deadline for this is looming and i just had a mini breakdown/panic attacks (well i assume they were) over forecasts! But i am calmer now with the help and support of my family and boyfriend. It's something i would keep private but I think it's something i should share. Starting a business has it's highs and lows, something everyone has heard and i never quite believed it to a certain extent. I hit such a low last night and this afternoon, well lets just say i will have puffy eyes that will last me through the weekend!

Many of you have been supportive towards me when i have posted the odd frantic/depressive/I'm a total mess tweet and i would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, they really did help. My mum also showed me a poem that i would like to share with you called "The Don't Quit Poem" It's suitable for all situations!

So i may have talked about my lowest point of this journey but i would like to make note that this is a positive post. Remember we are all amazing for our own special reasons! Yes.... You! :D

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

One step at a time

It's been months since i have done any C25K training and will probably have to start all over again. So this in mind and knowing i've got to start moving i have started to use all my CardioTrainer apps on my android phone.

i've set my goal of losing 4lbs in 3 weeks, CardioTrainer thinks it's an ambitious goal with an average risk of failure. Ha i will prove it wrong! The plan we have put together is around walking 8 miles 5 times a week (weekends i'm at work and constantly stand and walk, however i don't know how much i do). The walking should roughly help me lose 0.35lb and eating around 490 less calories daily should lead to a weekly weight loss of 1.33lbs.

Yesturday CardioTrainer i walked i walked a total of 2.2 miles, but i'd say it was more around 2.5 maybe a little more as the satalite sometimes wouldn't connect properly. Today i did 1.5 miles around the blocks of my home. So, thats a total of around 4 miles, 2 days in and already half way to my target of miles!

I can't wait to weigh myself. i have to stop myself going, because that could be somewhat distructive. So yeah, one day at a step at a time

Sunday, 17 October 2010

A Quick Catchup

Hi guys, i have been away really for a few months, laziness more than anything. I've had a few ups and downs, just trying to keep positive.

Since June i have put on 9lbs, mostly emotional eating, the need to fill a void, which i know food could not really fill but i gave it a go anyway.

My best friend and i are having a real rough patch for something i apparently said to her mum, but personally it's been blown way out of proportion and her and her husband have been real petty over it all, their behaviour has been quite high school. It upsets me that such a friendship we had can be turned around just like that over something quite trivial. It really has upset me, even questioning if this will ever end. I hope we can put it behind us, however this fight has spurred me on to want to relocate to where my bf is originally from, all i need is to train in the field i want to work in. Which is easier said than done.

I still have not started that first youth worker job, it's so frustrating. I think they are waiting on the budget announcements that the new government will be announcing later this week. I have a second one starting soon, this was pushed back a month as they were having "staffing issues" All these set backs just make it all the more frustrating. I just want to train and work! It's bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it all!

A move up north will be just what the doctor ordered really, Bf and i have loads of friends up there as we went to uni there and he grew up there. It's cheaper too.

So back to weight, i have a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks and bought myself an amazing red dress to wear to the wedding, it's just a little tight. So on Monday i went back on the scales and learnt i weighed 10lbs more...not the end of the world, especially as i thought it would of been more... much more actually. I then reweighed myself yesterday, and within 5 days i had lost 5lbs. It's a great motivation. I'd love to be what i was at my lowest at this journey and then carry on! So, i have 2 more weeks to loose another 5 lbs. It's totally do-able! I've gotta stay positive and focus on me! I'll defo post up pictures of this amazing dress!

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

I want to do this.

This little business is something i REALLY want to succeed in. I want to create my OWN business. For many reasons of course.

The main idea of it of course did come from profit... as with any business profit must be made, i earn around £200 a month with my job, I'm not signing on as well.... whats the point for an extra £8 a month? So yeah i do want to earn a little bit of extra money whilst my life settles financial wise. But secondly and most importantly, us plus size ladies, and we are young ones too are somewhat fashion orientated, some of us are loosing weight and cannot afford to buy in between size clothes and we make do. Especially if shops such as Evans can get away charging nearly £30 for a Tshirt!

So this is my plan, I am going to open up a website, and sell good quality clothes, shoes, bags...whatever, both new and second hand (pre loved ;) )for less than £10, most Items probably less than £5. I want to create a rapport with clients, get to know their sizes and their likes and dislikes and recommend items to them. Most of all i want my clients to feel special when they order, excited to open their pink package that arrived, rip open the pink tissue paper that envelopes their new garments and find not only the item they wanted but a little personalised note to them thanking them for their time and for purchasing their item and i hope they are very happy together.

These clothes are from one plus size girl to another. With love and a passion for fashion. My company will be a girly girl company, who is friendly, approachable, non judgemental and personal. It will be called So Delightful.

So i have a lot to do.... now, to find a cheap domain, that comes with email and to relearn HTML.

So my question to you. If this all took off, would you consider buying some clothes online from me?

Friday, 3 September 2010

The Entrepreneur in Me

I've been away from the world of blogging and twitter for a few weeks with some half hearted attempts to rejoining the world. But I'm fresh off my hols and i am back! Just before i went on holiday i did a little self plug on my clothes on ebay. Well it did so well, that not only was i impressed but so was the boyfriend's parents and not only did they insist me keeping the money i raised but to invest it into a mini business.

So i invested some of that money into acquiring new "stock" at rock bottom prices of course and have a new "range" on my ebay page with many items starting off at 99p.

I have bought myself pink postage bags, i have a logo i have always used but need a name to go with those initials in the logo. I'm thinking So Delightful! So i have some amazing plus size all i need is the customers. All you lovely people are doing amazingly well on your weight losses it can be very expensive to buy clothes when you are in between sizes. I am cheap! Many items less than £5 and the postage and packaging are fair because it does include the postage as well as the packaging.

What do you say? Will you have a look at my ebay page? I do have more to put up, that's tonight's job. But if you like what you see will you pass on the secret to any other friends or relatives? I'm gonna look at some of the sizes more closely as i have a size 30 dress suit (£5.99 or £10 buy it now) but it looks like i can fit into it and i am a 22/24.

If this second run is successful then I'm seriously considering to turn it into a fully fledged ebay business selling super affordable plus size clothes that are fashionable and not made for the 60 year old in you!

I do have the odd smaller size on there and i do have large shoe sizes such as an 8 or 9!

Here's to the entrepreneur in me and adding a little bit of extra money into the bank account.

My ebay page is:

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Shameless Plug

So i am going on holiday next week, and to scrape up extra funds for boyfriend and i, i have raided my wardrobe of big clothes and put them on ebay. I'm mainly doing this shameless plug for my uk blog readers who are a size of 20-26. I have put up mainly tops, bug i got leggings up there, a dress, and a skirt too.i have a few men things too. a shirt of 17.5 collar size. So to grab a bargain of tops, all my auctions start at 99p or have a low buy it now price.

Ok shameless plug over, heres the link:
Just trying to publicize this and try and earn me some cash!

Thursday, 12 August 2010

The Funk

You may or may not have noticed that i have been absent the past few weeks. I have been in a major funk for a long while, especially after boyfriend injured his backside. To compensate i for the bad feelings i had i regressed into my old patterns. I ate food that tasted so good, I'm sure i don't need to explain comfort eating to you.

Boyfriend and i were fighting, and because of his injury he was feeling down because i was unable to do things, so he spent all his time on the xbox, and i felt ignored, rejected...unloved. The boy would spend all his time on the xbox, or round our friend's house who has a broken elbow...playing xbox. He didn't want to do anything, he would rather sit lay on his front on his own and play stupid computer games, killing people.

So i when I'd go and sit with him and he ignored me and carried on playing COD2 and talking to his friend, I'd get up and leave and head to the kitchen/freezer/shop. Instead of cuddles at night I'd get his back turned to me. Now i don't handle this form of rejection very well, if you can call it rejection. Someone who loved to cuddle, play, kiss, talk and all other couple things, to having the back turned on me just made me feel worthless, unwanted. It wasn't true of course but my mind loves telling me things that aren't true. I very often slept downstairs. One night I'd bought chocolate at the petrol station, not those little bars, but those big share bags that us who have this eating disorder (where we don't stop eating because we are either happy, sad, nervous, scared, depressed, excited, the feeling and we'll find a reason to eat) don't actually share.  So i opened these 2 share bags had some before bed, (mattress on floor in sitting room) and i found myself waking up throughout the night eating the chocolate then going back to sleep.

Recently i also stated to buy the big bar of whole nut cadbury's dairy milk (share) bars, a 99p (share) bag of Doritos and a (normal) bag of Japanese style rice crackers. I'd eat the rice crackers first then alternate bites between the chocolate and Doritos. I know I'm shameful.

But i didn't really want to face my funk, i was much happier (so to speak) ignoring my unhappiness, ignoring my eating habits, thus ignoring twitter world. So I've got to completely stop this old behaviour of mine where i gorge on bad icky food and get back to normal and eat small portions, and only eat (snack size) treats once in a while.

Boyfriend and i are back on track, I've banished the xbox from the bedroom, so he can have his sanctuary up in the attic and i can have the bedroom as sanctuary thus not being banished to the kitchen. If that make sense.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Ripped in the Wrong places

So i get a text of a friend on Wednesday saying she just heard back that she got a job in Channel 4 and they will put her through uni, we were all invited round to celebrate with her. It was pretty sad actually, none of her family or fiance seemed to care!  So we got to drinking with her, our friend that came with us was not drinking, i had enough to make me tipsy but bf was...well he drank 7 cans of beer and half a bottle of sambuca. He was celebrating enough for all of us.

He seemed fine one minute next he changed! Total drunk zombie. On our way to get the last bus he got hyper n annoying. I was so angry with him i refused to talk to him. I told our friend that he was to sleep up in the attic with him. That's where it all went wrong.

At around 2am I heard commotion, i heard the attic door being open and closed, i heard that he had to come apologize, i heard more commotion. Then my name being called out 3 times and that there's been an accident. I come out to find bf in the bathroom. Sick all in the bath tub and my bf leaning over the sink. his underwear ripped....then i saw it. His right bum cheek had a massive rip. I was just so shocked. I wasn't as freaked out by the wound because I've had a similar wound on my knee but i was freaked out by the place and the sheer size of it.

We called 999 and i was applying compression to the area but he just didn't want to cooperate. Two fast response paramedics came followed by 2 more paramedics with an ambulance. He just did not want to listen. He wanted to throw up and well it was just chaotic. Dad was completely oblivious to it until i went and woke him up to tell him that he had an accident and we were going to the hospital.

This whole event sobered me up, They patched him up, and he was just naked on the bathroom floor, he didn't want new underwear so i had to coax him to put them on. Explain that we had 4 paramedics here and we were just wasting their time! Throughout it all he was more concerned about throwing up than the big hole in his bum. I rode to the hospital with him in the ambulance (riding in an ambulance is now ticked off my things to experience that i didn't really want to but probably will have to check list) giving them all the details followed by a telling off by the paramedic saying there is only one fast response team out and one ambulance out that night and we'd better hope that there was no one having a heart attack at that moment. (As far as i know there wasn't any as the next patient to be taken into Accident and Emergencies was around an hour after we arrived)

So when we arrived to a&e, bf was throwing up everywhere still, i was the one holding the bowl, i helped the paramedics move him on to the bed too and then they put an IV into his hand and started with the drips. He received 2 packets of well what i know them as is drips, but i saw the word glucose in there. So all i know is that they were hydrating him and trying to sober him up from all the alcohol. They didn't really check on him, when he started to throw up again on himself and the bed i cleaned him up with some tissues near by. They didn't have a tap or water cooler so anyone could drink, i asked someone for some water and they had to get a nurse to go to the kitchen to get water and they are the only ones allowed in there... now what a major waste of time. A few weeks ago we were at another A&E, this time for our friend and when we asked a nurse for water she said she wasn't our waitress and there was a water cooler just round the corner....which is true! A water cooler or drinking water tap can help nurses running back and forth to a kitchen to bring water to a relative of a sick person!

Well at around 5:30 am a lovely nurse came in and started to stitch up the bf. A cool 3 and a half hours after admission, which is fair enough coz he needed to sober up. She did a fantastic job with his bum! she spent 40 minutes giving him countless internal stitches and 19 normal stitches. When i sliced my knee open with a skirting board i should of had similar treatment but i had a doctor do mine which led me to the conclusion that for treatment always have a nurse or surgeon do the work and for diagnosis and presciptions get a doctor!

So around a minute after the final stitch went in bf seemed to come out of Zombie drunk land and asked where he was, why he was there, what had happened and why is he on his stomach. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So when it got to around 6:30 i rung for a lift home for a quick change and to get the car and rang his mum to tell her the news.

I am just so glad we have a free health care. Can you imagine the cost of everything? It would run into thousands! We are so lucky as a country to have free health care, even if sometimes it's a bit dodgy especially that A&E department... it's really not the best but i didn't have a choice of which hospital to i would of liked to have gone to.We hardly have the income between us both to have paid for his stint in A&E and would like to thank the patient paramedics and the lovely nurse that stitched up my boyfriends bum!

It's all fine now, his bum seems to be heeling great. But the days just after the accident, well i had KFC, Chinese, then i went on a chocolate binge! I was sleeping downstairs whilst he had the bed and had the chocolate next to me and i found myself mid night waking up and taking a few bites of that chocolate before going to sleep. I then had cake, fried food...tons of fajitas laden with tons of sour cream. I was definitely comfort eating. But i started all a fresh. Recounting points, I've starting jogging again in the park. I'm going for my second wind. I had a bad 3 weeks and have been plateauing for even longer. Let hope this catapults me in the right direction!

Thursday, 15 July 2010

Bare Naked Me!

I was messing around with my camera phone, and posted a twitpic up of the end result so some of you may have seen this. And the saying "a picture is worth a thousand words" is very true, however i wanted to add a few extra words to that picture.

It saddens me that there are girls out there that feel the need to put on make up to even step out the house to even go to the corner shop. Now i'm not one of those feminists but i do believe that everyone is beautiful. I only ever wear make up if i am going out (pub/club), event or sometimes if i am bored and have time. I go to work at the unnamed retail store ( i'm not allowed to mention the store in case i light it in a bad light) and i don't wear make up. Reason 1) I cannot be bothered to put on the make up first thing, 2) It's so hot behind the till and i run around so much it either melts or i rub it all around my face.

People shouldn't feel like they are prettier with make up, everyone is beautiful in their own individual way. Please remember that boys and girls! You are beautiful... Inside and out! Sometimes i feel harsh saying people don't need make up, i am sorry if i am sounding harsh. I realise that people do have low self esteem/confidence, and they do feel better for wearing make up. If that makes them feel better and beautiful then carry on, but the point i am trying to put across is.


So without further due, i will stop my ranting and show you my bare naked face!
I have bags under my eyes, chubby cheeks and shiny skin in certain lights! But i have a belief that i am beautiful. I love my eyes, lips, eyebrows, smile.... what do you love about yourself?

Saturday, 10 July 2010

I feel like a total junky!

So i was in the mood for a major One Tree Hill marathon. But what goes hand in hand with any sort of marathon? Sweets, ice cream, chocolate.... I was so close to popping down to my local shop to buy a tenners worth of junk food. I felt like a junky, totally excited in getting my hit. I told myself no... i will be good. Then the thought of Chinese creeps into my mind... i could totally get that, save some for bf for when he comes... I tell myself no... a firm no. Without thinking I'm putting my shoes on and thinking maybe just some chips from the kebab shop. Why am i doing this to myself? Why have i been finding excuses to sabotage myself? I have decided to distract myself by writing in my blog that i have neglected.

I have been going up and down in the same weight range for about the past month. I find it so frustrating, but i only have myself to blame. But food taste soooooo good, but I've been falling back into old habits. Healthy food can be scrumptious too, i have seem to forgotten that, i have been turning to toffee popcorn, cadbury's flake, M&S Belgian chocolate flapjack. Chips, crisps, alcohol, pizza, it's all been a down hill spiral of rubbish food.

It doesn't comfort me, it doesn't make me happy at the end of the day, well on the day of the weigh in for sure. So here we go again, take god knows how many. I need to just turn over a new leaf. This image just came into my head when saying that last sentence.

But with a lot more crumpled paper around. Sitting here with the second episode i can almost taste a flake just melting in my mouth. It just makes me feel sad. Sad that this feels like a new low. How can i be that desperate for chocolate.... it may be because i am just hungry. I think i will go down now and make myself a nice easy weight watchers ready meal.

How do you avert your attention from wanting junk and stopping yourself actually eating it?

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Bad week.

So i had a very very disappointing weigh in. I have gained 3 pounds, since Tuesday (my unofficial weigh in) so in reality since last week i have gained an extra pound, so in two weeks i have gained in 5 pounds! WTF? How am i letting myself get away with this. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to set myself weekly goals as i have seen fellow bloggers do. Just to keep me in track.

Goals for this week:
  1. Start Tracking food and drink again
  2. Drink only water, milk and coffee
  3. Go to the gym at least 3 times this week
  4. Move on to Week 4 of C25K
It's just a teeny tiny post. I'm not quite in the mood for writing, but for wallowing. I also have to go food shopping with dad.

I have a ton of ideas tho of topics i want to write about. Well i say a ton, it's more like 3 at the moment.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Because I'm Worth It and So Are You!

I was just sitting out in the garden with my mum and my neighbours daughter who just had a sleeve put in. She was meant to have a bypass but problems with a previous gastric band surgery complicated matters.  So you could say conversation went from light banter to deep therapy.

Neighbour, lets call her Shirley, admitted that her therapist had said he had never met a patient so self loathing and she needs regular sessions. She kept telling us she was worthless, a waste of space... and it upset me. I have known Shirley all my life as she was a young teen when i was born. Her children and I played together throughout childhood. So to hear that she thinks she is absolutely worthless and a bad person is a terrible thing.

She's saying her husband is a better person than she is, that we all are. When she is just as good if not better! She runs a household, she cooks, cleans, has quite a high powered job, she's part of a committee of a rugby team, i could go on.

Mum was saying that she thought the main reason she was feeling like that was her husband. Let's call him Bob. So Bob apparently "puts Shirley down" and Shirley believes him. She puts him on a pedestal. In fact, i think the only reason she is still with him, not only for the sake of the children, but she truly believes no one out there will love her or fancy her. She is truly "under the thumb" so to speak and he wears the trousers.

I don't know if i find her feelings shocking because i am the complete opposite or that I've never heard her speak so honestly.  I'm now at the age I'm not the baby she knew, but a young woman who can become a confidant. It saddens me anyone can feel unworthy of what they deserve. Don't live the lives they dream of but one they think they should lead.

Am i one of the minority who think that losing weight will only make me even more prettier? I mean I don't feel on top of the world and beautiful everyday, but i do see myself as a beautiful curvy woman who can be sexy. How do you guys feel? Do you guys love yourself? Are you worth it?

I totally believe every single one of us is worth it. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Inspiration needed!

It has been a while since my last entry. I've not been at the laptop as much since i got my phone back. But i can't blog on my phone tho, which is not cool.

Last week i went to the North East with BF. I didn't get to go to the gym or go for a jog. I ate sweets at the cinema, take out and drank alcohol. So i put on 4 pounds. I have been hitting it hard at the gym since. I went on Saturday evening after work and then today. I keep hitting that darn wall when it comes to jogging. I'm still on week 3 of my C25K and only seem to be doing 2k. By the second 3 minute jog half of me is begging to stop, the other half is begging and willing me to carry on, that i can do it.

I don't quit, If i do need to take a breather and rest my legs i do it during the walking bit.

I can't seem to get motivation though. I'm currently stuck in the 280's.... how can i be struggling already? All i keep thinking is that i can't believe i let me self go so much last week. I could be out of the 280's and be in the 270's by now. I wanna reach 30 lbs lost! i was so close and all!

But it's just a blip. I will go past it! I will exercise my shrinking butt off these next few weeks so i can escape this blip! I am now going to set up my goal list and bucket list to keep me focused.

I read on someones blog at some point... I'm sorry i can't remember who, let me know if it was you. But for every pound you lose you should add a paper clip to create a paper clip chain. I've got that up in my room. I look forward to adding the paper clip(s) and feel gutted every time i have to remove one (or more).

Who else has tips to keep me motivated now that i do not go to Weight Watchers?

Monday, 7 June 2010

The lost art of letter writing

This morning as i was walking out the door there on the doormat was 1 letter and that letter was addressed to me! I was so excited as my name and address was hand written. It  was just my local MP invited me to an afternoon tea but i was feeling all happy because i had that hand written envelope. Sad i know but it got me thinking.

We as a world wide nation do not stop and take the time to write letters to our friends and family. We have the phone either land line or mobile, we have the Internet, facebook, twitter. We text, we email...we can even send our birthday cards via the Internet without putting pen to card.

So i was thinking, i would like a pen pal. I had one when i was younger and it was fun, i couldn't wait to receive my letter. I would love to start that up again. But i don't know how to start. In this day in age who can you trust? You are not only giving perhaps a stranger your address but in the letters you will be discussing your personal life. Has anyone got a pen pal or know how to get one?

Do you enjoy writing letters? Receiving kind words that someone has taken time for their life to write to you?

Answers on a postcard addressed to Girl in Fatsuit!


Sunday, 6 June 2010

Judgementals can Jog on!

On Friday i went out for my jog, and i am still on Week 2 of the C25K as well I'm unfit and i find it extremely difficult but I'm not letting it defeat me. I know i am very overweight and cannot expect to be Kelly Holmes (British Olympic runner) in a matter of a month and a half! I am preserving and it's working, i am continuously and gradually losing weight, so what i am doing it certainly working.

But back to my point, whilst i was running i saw a group of young kids, couldn't be older than 15. I hesitated, i didn't really want to go past them, but i thought to myself, no, why am i being scared of 4 kids? I'm judging them just by the stereotypical media portrayal. I've worked with young people, the image they give off generally is the opposite of what they normally are. So i said to myself I'll go past them but instead of jogging i will walk.

I saw one of the girls look at me, then nudge her friend. Her friend answered "what? what do you wanna show me?" i saw them look at me, and stifle a laugh. As i carried on walking, i could hear them laughing. Well i can safely say, i let 4 children ruin my workout. I was in tears. There i am trying to do something about my weight only to be laughed at. I hated that they made me cry, i hate that i let them hold power over me. But all i wanted to do is slump to the floor and cry. However i kept my head high and tried to keep my tears at bay. I went off with dignity back to the car.

So i can certainly say i will not go jogging round the park at 6 in the evening on a Friday during half term when the kids mean judgemental kids are out doing their drugs (yes they were sorting out their roll up). I look back and feel like i should of said something but a) we are still full of knife crime and any type of confrontation could bring up a possibility of something... who knows and b) if there was a confrontation gone bad....they could probably catch up to me if i ran away!

So as i said... yes i was humiliated but it won't deter me going out jogging! I'm a girl on a mission!

Friday, 4 June 2010


I have noticed recently that although my BFF says she supports me and regularly compliments me on weight loss she also encourages me to eat bad foods. I who have little will power always seem to let the temptations get the better of me and allow myself to order Indian or pizza, tuck into popcorn and drink coke.

Let me tell you a little about my BFF. We met at high school and we were both larger teens and we were pretty much instantly friends. I always looked up to her as an inspiration fashion wise, she was the sister i never had. I had a calming effect on her and tamed her wild ways. We were chalk and cheese in the best possible ways. When i transferred schools, we lost touch for a bit, she had a different set of friends and i another set. She lost a whole bunch of weight in this time by using lunch money for cigs. Whilst i used my lunch money for lunch and then some! But slowly after years we bother have piled on more weight. Me with a much larger appetite but still sharing our bad foods.

When i decided to lose weight i decided to do it for me. I did it quietly at first then decided why be quiet about it? i should be proud. This is when i feel like it's all started. BFF knows what are my weaknesses when it comes to food. Whenever we are round she always suggests an Indian or pizza... always giving me coke.

Now i know i cannot blame her entirely, it is my fault for also accepting it or caving in to the weakness. I mean after all i do not want to just sit there when everyone is eating (BFF, BFF's husband, friend and BF) whilst i microwave a ready meal.

She showed us some footage of her on her honeymoon and was shocked at how she looked. But when i say to her that she should come to the gym with me or join in the jogging then she changes her tune. It just angers me. Plus i know if she were to jog with me she would only drag me down, she would more than likely give up half way. I feel like i am bitching but it makes me angry. Angry that she moans and complains yet won't do anything about her weight, angry that she seems to ignore my health kick and is constantly trying to get me to join in with her bad habits but most of all, I am angry at myself. Angry that i let myself be dragged down. I really need a kick up the backside.

I put on a pound last week and i haven't been any better this week and expecting another pound on. Why am i undoing my own hard work. Why am i allowing not only my BFF to sabotage me but myself too?

much love
Fat Suit x

Friday, 28 May 2010

My Size...My Life

When reading more of my Jemima J: A Novel About Ugly Ducklings and Swans by Jane Green i came across this sentence:
"My size dictates my social life, and my size is the one I can't control."
This made me quite angry on the inside and i felt so passionate about this one sentence i actually sat down and planned this blog. Normally i go with the flow and let it all out.

I may have mentioned before that my mother was very large, I'm not sure of her exact weight but I'm guessing over 400 lbs maybe even up to 500 lbs. She had to have clothes made for her and she always wore bright colours. I associate blood red and fuchsia pink clothing with my mum. She was very successful in her job, she was always at business do's, talking to all these business men, she threw excellent parties.

Since she has lost weight i have learnt that she was not a happy woman, but as every woman does, she masked her depression and only shows to the world the positive, happy woman she knew she could be. I never saw her unhappy, at least from my recollections i never did.

I had a good collection of friends as a grew up, life long ones, who liked me for me and i felt i was not judged. I was not bullied, either, looking back i could count myself lucky for that. Sure there was bitchiness but never bullying.

My mum also nurtured a self confidence in me. She made me go to the counters and order stuff, all by myself. Whether it be a train station to buy tickets, in a restaurant to ask the waitress for something, or even fast food outlets. She "trained" me to speak to strangers, to complain and stand up for my rights.

Writing this paragraphs I understand i am a lucky individual. I am lucky i had a role model in my mum, who started my education on the university of life early. I have grown up knowing that the world IS my oyster and i decide my life, my future.

There are times when inevitably my size did dictate my life, i could not buy clothes from the normal retail outlets, i walked slower but never did it ever dictate my social life, i would not let it! I went out to pubs and clubs. I had boyfriends, i went to the cinema, i went to the mall. Although some of the world may have seen me as abnormal.... in my heart i was normal and boy did i let the world that.

And saying that, the character in the book saying that the weight issue is something she cannot control angers me too. It is totally in her control... as my weight is in my control. It's up to the the individual to realise this and take control.

I don't know, i had this blog so clear in my head and now i feel like i am being harsh. Maybe because i saw mum do so well in her professional career and so confident i know that i can be and that weight is never really an issue. All i know for sure that because of my mum i am the person i am and...

My size DOES NOT dictate my social life and my size IS the one thing i CAN control!

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Several Steps in the Right Direction

I'm not sure you if you know this but i am doing C25K (Couch to 5k). I started around a month ago and it is the best thing i have started for me. Well second, the best one was when i decided to embark on this weight loss journey. I do try and get out 3 times a week, but sometimes life just gets in the way. But today whilst i went out and did Week 2 Day ? (I'm thinking its 3 or 4) i just started thinking.

I've been going out jogging with just me and the floor and today i found it so hard, where as before i found it OK. Then i realised i had been doing it recently in an air conditioned gym on the running machine (formally known as the walking machine as i was too scared to even jog on it because of the noise i may make on it...heavy girl running, big stomping noises... and that i may break it!) and that might of made a difference. You have the machine setting your pace and you know if you even miss a step you are catapulted to the floor with friction burns dotted around your body and possibly even damaged clothing. How do i know this? It's happened to me around 10 years ago.

 But no matter how hard it got i still pushed myself further because i knew I'd only feel worse if i gave up. I jogged by the river for around a mile (four 90s jogs) and turned round to do my other 4. Whilst retracing my steps i was face with the option to go down a different way that leads to my house, but i knew it would be shorter and i told myself no, and slightly further on there was another turn off that again i could of taken but once again it would of been a short cut. I committed to this weight loss, and i committed to the C25K. I'd only be cheating myself.

But when I'm jogging and all sorts of weird animal noises come out and wheezing, and if my top rides up i am terrified i look like this!
But what keeps me going is that someday soon, that image will turn into...

If you would have told me that i would have started a jogging programme and actually somewhat enjoy it Not even February i would have chocked on my fast food by laughing so much! But i do enjoy it. In fact i look forward to seeing the results that all this jogging does, the fact that it's damn hard and that i come out of it the other end each time is a triumph i can claim my own. I may not be the fastest, most graceful jogger but at least i am getting off my (now slightly smaller) ass and persevere with it. I have friends who keep saying how they need/want to lose weight, yet whenever i invite them to come along with me there is always an excuse.

Yes so life can get in the way sometimes and i can't always go out and do the exercise i want to but at least i get out there when i can and undo the damage i have done to myself for the 10 plus years!

Monday, 24 May 2010

A weighty read

I love to read fiction books, mainly from the romantic genre, some may even call it Chic Lit. Doesn't bother me, i just get lost in the authors world and make it my own. I love some of my books so much i am constantly re-reading them. Which is what inspired me to write this post.

I picked up Jemima J (by Jane Green) 5 years ago in a charity shop not because of what the synopses said, oh no, I'm far too shallow for that! I really do judge a book by it's cover and i liked what i saw. I took it back home and when i realised it was about a young woman in her 20's who was over weight and transformed her self and made a fresh start in the USA i was sucked in and could not put it down. Each time i read it i can relate.

Still fairly new on this life changing course that is losing weight i decided to re read it. Just pages in i am already liking and associating my self with Jemima.

"...I actively avoid walking past building sites of any description - they see my large, round stomach, the thighs that rub together when i walk. Unfortunately they don't see what i see when i look in the mirror. Selective visualization, i think I'll call it. They don't see my glossy light brown green full lips"

In my case it's not building sites i avoid, it's groups of young people, especially groups of boys. They are not all bad, after all i am an aspiring youth worker, however i have had bad experiences in the past. Teen boys can be cruel and can have no shame and know that they can get away with it as people are now too scared to confront them as the level of street knife and gun crime is on the rise. People do not know who they can and can't confront.

When i look in the mirror i don't see a fat girl. I see a beautiful young woman with sparkly eyes, full lips, thick hair, a smile that knocks people's socks off. If you ignore the fat *shudder* stomach that bulges, you can see an hour glass silhouette.

"They don't notice the clothes either, because, despite weighing far, far more than i should, i don't let myself go. I always make an effort. I mean, look at me now. if i were slim, you would say i look fantastic in my bold striped trousers and long tunic top in a perfectly matching shade of orange. But no, because of the size i am people look at me and thing, 'God, she shouldn't wear such bright colours, she shouldn't draw attention to herself' But why shouldn't I enjoy clothes?"
It's true. Why shouldn't I enjoy clothes? And i do, I adore fashion but never feel like i can really follow the fashion as it hasn't been tailored to the larger young woman. I don't know about you, but personally i do not like my arms. I am guessing there are other women like me who don't and if they had the choice would rather cover them up with a bit of a sleeve. Shops are constantly only selling those strappy tops. That would be perfect if it had just that little bit of a sleeve that covered the top! They also seem to think that because we have limited choice, that any old fabric with a second class pattern will do for a top price.

So back to my original point. I find it so important to read, i always try to read every day, even if it is just a page a day. I find books that you can find inspiring as well as entertaining the best. What i believe started me losing weight was a book called "The Perfect 10" by Louise Kean .

A girl called Sunny had lost life changing amounts of weight and it was just so inspiring. I mean i did feel the book ran out of steam towards the end but that was the love story part but i was more interesting in her own personal weight loss story and about people's judgement and how friend's attitudes change towards you when you no longer are the fat friend.

All in all i only have 2 weight loss related books, 4 if you include 2 autobiographies. I have Sharon Osbourn's books and another by Mikyla Dodd and her book is called 'The Fat Girl from "Hollyoaks"

She has lost over 150 pounds and you can get the gist of her story here.

Do you guys have any weigh loss related fiction or biographies that you love to read, or inspires you? I'd love to hear your literary choices.

Girl in Fatsuit

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Quarter of a Century

I have sat and read through many amazing and inspiring blogs. People have lost tons of weight, i mean i am talking about 100 lbs plus. They have transformed their bodies and their lives and it gives me a warming feeling that i can follow their stories not just those who have lost a massive amount but those who are at the beginning or mid stages.

The warm feeling tends to drain when i then look at the mirror, my story. I look in the mirror, i don't see the change, i look at the figures and say " is that it?" This is where the insecure part of me takes over. How can i say is that it? I have lost 25 lbs in just over 2 months! i should be celebrating this not berating my self for not having lost more. I am not in the biggest loser! I haven't got mean personal trainers on my ass every single day making me workout until i drop, i haven't got them keeping an eye on what i eat etc. Sometime i wish i did have all that but it isn't healthy.

A steady loss is what i need, it will more than likely stay off. This is a lifestyle change not a diet, i have to get this in my head. Plus as i was walking back from the shop this afternoon (in a dress that fitted me well after i adjusted it last august and now is too baggy round the boobs...felt soo good to my ego) and i was thinking about the number 25.

25 is a quarter of a 100, if my weight loss were to carry on the way it is (which i am not expecting it too but who knows) then in another 6 months i could lose 100 lbs. But in 6 months i could lose say another 40 lbs.... 65 in total. Wow. It puts it all into perspective really. For me anyway. I'll explain. 25 lbs is not a small amount of weight, and if i continue on the way i am going, within 6 months i could surpass and be close to that 100 pound mark.

And of course losing a couple of pounds with my body shape is not as noticeable as someone who is far thinner than i am. I also forgot this point. But each pound is a step closer to being the girl i am inside.

To keep positive with my wight loss i have created a very geeky thing but on Excell i have done a table of which i have made a graph....and this is it! Thanks for reading this post, i was kinda going with the flow and discovering what i meant as i went along.

Monday, 17 May 2010

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict...

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict. Let me tell you about my drug, it is so accessible! It's everywhere. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, it's not illegal, and there are thousands of different versions that you can have! It's food.

The past few nights i have been craving sweets, sweet chocolate, dessert, anything with caramel or chocolate to be honest. I even seriously thought about driving to McDonald's and getting my strange but ultra tasty mix treat... fries and caramel sundae. I love to dip the fries in the ice cream and then eat the caramel last. But i have stopped my self. It is so easy to think " Just one more chocolate bar or just one more chip, just one more..." But it never really is worth it.

I have felt like a total addict recently. I have needed hits of sugar to satisfy me, otherwise i get all agitated and feel like i am missing something. Sometimes i give in, sometimes i manage to control myself. It's a thing i do now. Do i really want this? How will i feel if i eat this? Will it really make me feel better? Is my body craving sugar or is it my brain/feelings?

Having these thoughts of addiction in my mind i went on the net to look it up. I found that not only was i not alone in having these feelings but there is scientific proof about having these feelings.

"A team from Scripps Research Institute in Florida found binging on junk food triggered the same chemical release in the brain that heroin and cocaine addicts experience when they get high."

So because i am cutting out the chocolate, ice cream, fries (god i miss them sometimes) i am having withdrawal symptoms. In a way, that is rather sad and i want to be able to control these feelings, temptations and cravings but sometimes i just can't. I do sometimes have a weak moment and "binge" on junk food. Why could i not just binge on carrot sticks and lettuce? But what is different to me binging before March 2010 and after is that i binge an awful lot less and i now exercise.

Plus binging then and now are completely two different things. Before i could polish off a tub of ice cream, eat tons of pop corn, giant bars of chocolate. Now i will have a white chocolate bueno (4p for the 2 bars), i buy WW carrot cake slices because they are 1p a slice i don't feel too guilty about it and they are delicious too! They have a layer of icing too which satisfy my cravings. So delicious are they that the boyfriend even eats them. Although as any addict would, i get annoyed at the boyfriend eating them... they ARE my carrot cake slices after all!

Before i used to over indulge, now i treat within my points. I may not be knowledgeable in many areas but i do know this. I have a healthier attitude to food, if i can't help but to feed my withdrawals i know that i can redeem my self later on, not say "oh well i blew it for today i might as well carry on" which is something i used to say.

This addiction with food is something i can overcome but don't think i will ever shake off. I can keep the addiction monster at bay but bring out the good stuff at the wrong time and it can be set off again. I know that and can accept that. But for now, i am still working at it.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Forgive me....

Forgive me bloggers for i have sinned.... It has been over 2 weeks since my last weigh in.

I am ashamed to say that when i did last go to WW i had put on 3lbs and then with the wedding in it's final few things i have no had time to sit and plan, exercise and ate junk. Even last night i ate junk...burger, with cheese, chips, cheesy garlic bread AND some onion rings. Does it help that the burger has salad in it?

My excuse and it is an excuse i know, is that i was celebrating. I had just heard i had been offered a job. The job that will put me on the career ladder. I have also drank tons of alcohol, eaten tones of cheese, pizza and i dread to think what the results are.

Now sitting and thinking about all the truly wonderful and tasty foods i have eaten.... where are they now? They were with me to celebrate happiness, joy, to treat me for all the hard work i put in with a wedding that was not mine, to console me that the wedding is over and my best friend is now a Mrs and i won't see her for two weeks as she is in Orlando. Yes food has been there for many reasons... but now it's still with me... Its there haunting me, it's laughing at me. Its sitting round my stomach, my thighs. It's taunting me, telling me all the good hard work i did has now been undone.

There are two reasons i have not been to weight watchers, one i have been scared to see the results, and secondly i could not afford it. The wedding wiped me out. I do not have the cash... seriously my bank balance stands at £0.15.

So bloggers please forgive my past few weeks. I want to be good again, it may be boring but it makes me feel amazing. My "one day this will be true" mother-in-law has offered to pay for me. She says that if i don't get back in there then i will never go back. So next week i will be back!

Off i go now, just a short post to say sorry to my followers for my downfall but i will make both you and i proud and get back on that horse and count points! I'll turn to the boyfriend for comfort and not to food. But on a brighter note i shall put up a picture of us at the wedding. I am obviously not the bride and the one that looks like an oompa-loompa because of the spray tan that the bride told me to get.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

A Mixed bag of feelings

Today was the day of my dream job interview. I was so nervous that i think i may have ruined my chances as there are a lot of applicants who may have been better. But i don't really want to concentrate on it. If i keep thinking of the mistakes i did, i will only get myself down. But I'll find out in 2 - 3 weeks. So fingers crossed.

But i am overwhelmed by the positive remarks over my exposed post. Such beautiful and positive comments. People are calling me an inspiration which makes me feel a tad like a fraud. I am just at the beginning stages, my journey is no where near the half way mark. I think people like Brooke are the true inspirations. (I'm sorry Brooke i keep referring to you, I've kinda just attached myself to you and think of you like a mentor.)

So these comments have made me feel happy. Its amazing what a few kind words can do to a person. They certainly have cheered me up no end.

I have a new phone, and i have twitter running on it constantly (thank goodness i am a heavy sleeper as it must always go off at night when all you across the pond are still awake) and i am always a message away from people who are just like me. A larger person who is trying to change their life. But this past few weeks, I've realised its not just larger people, it's sweet, kind, caring strangers who are rapidly becoming people i look forward to hearing from.

Although i am a positive person, i am making an extra effort to count my blessings. I am blessed to have a family, friends and boyfriend who love me. I am blessed to have a job even if it is only 8 hours a week and in retail hell, I'm blessed to have people on twitter who understand me, encourage me, and listen to me. Call it blessed, call it lucky, call it whatever. If you think positive, you attract positive.

I have a new moto: Live Life, Love Life!

Love from the girl in the (shrinking) fatsuit x x x

ps. writing this post and thinking about the good things has made me feel happier

Friday, 16 April 2010

Things I look forward to

I have touched upon this in one of my first blogs but things just keeping popping into my head that i can't wait to do. I'm hoping writing them down will be a permanent motivator to myself. Once i have achieved any of these i will cross them off.

  1. Ride roller coasters
  2. fly comfortably on a plane
  3. buy clothes from normal shops that aren't for "plus sized ladies"
  4. be able to wear heels for more than 10 minutes without them hurting
  5. share clothes with my friends
  6. wearing a skirt and not worrying how my thighs look and if it's too short
  7. not having to eye up a chair to see whether i will fit in or if it is sturdy enough
  8. not bumping into things or people with my bum!
  9. feel ok with myself when i go on holiday with bf and his family...the skinny s.o.b's :P ( i love them really)
  10. not being scared to wearing tops with no sleeves.
  11. Wearing a handbag over my shoulder/body and not have it come up to my mid stomache and not down my hip, where it should be.

Everyone is Exposed!

I love people, learning about them, talking to them and knowing their stories. That is why this week i have been fascinated about some of the current exposed blogs that people have written recently.

Personally i think fat is a horrible word and i am sure i am not alone in thinking it. Thinking what fat means to me is someone who is really really large... such as those who would be classed as morbidly obese. Morbidly obese is another term i don't like because to me it means your fat could kill you. It's a catch 22. So i have never liked to think myself as either labels, i am just me. However, i have always failed to recognise that the world may label me in either or both categories. But looking back at what i do look like, i cannot lie to myself any more. I am fat and my stats do make me morbidly obese. So what am i going to do?

I will tell you what i will not do. I will no longer continue to lie to myself. I will no longer ignore what i am eating, i will not ignore what body is telling me to do, because things have got to change.

Change is a big thing for most people, some are scared of it, some are motivated by it and others embrace it. I must learn not to be scared of change because this change i am working towards will change my life for the better. I must embrace this change, positive things will happen because of it and i am not doing this alone!

There is this girl on twitter, i find her an inspiration. Her name is Brooke, and i hope she does not mind me saying this but she is an inspiration for me for change. She is a beautiful young lady who has inspired me beyond belief to recognise that i can do this. She recently exposed her self and here is her story. Then there is (again i hope he doesn't mind me saying this) the ever so hunky Fat Lazy Guy who has lost a whopping 287 lbs! Truly amazing and fascinating. Then there is Ron. He like me, i believe is just starting his journey. I am a really lucky girl to have awesome people like these on my my twitter and to be able to read their stories and journeys.

So i am going to be a sheep and expose myself real soon!

Have a lovely day
lots of love
x x x x x

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

pissed off!

so lets deal with the positive. I have lost another 2 lbs this week. Making my total loss to a lovely 18 lbs/ 1st 4 lbs. Agin i did not track this week, i ate chocolate too. But i really must start tracking. I have also needed to get the bus recently as i didn't have access to a car so i have been getting off a stop early or walking a stop extra to get my walk on. Also whilst out on my travels i popped into a charity shop just by chance and found "only fat people skip breakfast" so i will give that a read too.

So why am i pissed off? I think i could break that xbox!! pointless stupid machine that brainwashes stupid boyfriend!!! Boyfriend went up to the north where he is from because he had an aptitude test for a job. this is the second test for a second job that he has screwed up. He came out of university last June, an has picked a part time job. one day a week at a social club. He has not even applied to a single job whilst being down here! he's applied to 3 up north because his parents told him to. But down here? nope.

So yeah anyway he was meant to come down yesterday, i called him up and he said he was leaving soon, but then spent, 3 hours on the xbox. how do i know this? i have an app on my phone that tells me when my friends are online on the xbox. So yeah anyway he comes down, have a nice evening etc.

This morning, the bell goes off. i answer the door, we get up. i come downstairs looking for something, he then starts moaning, and says are all the clothes on the floor clean....which i don't know. puts it all in the wash basket and goes straight on the xbox. He does that every morning. Every morning, afternoon and night. he's on th
at stupid xbox.

I love him so much, but he has no drive, no dreams or ambitions that sometimes i do wonder if it is better for me if i wasn't with him. I love him so much though, and when he is gone i miss him. but when does it come to the point where i have to start thinking of me?

I dunno how to put it any other way. my mind is all over the place. But i know i'd love to do this to his xbox!

x x x

Friday, 9 April 2010

The Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall, am i the fattest of them all?

The Mirror is an awful invention isn't it? Depending on your mood, you either look like a princess or a blob of skin and flesh. Normally for me it is the latter. Yesterday i was sat in my underwear and in front of the mirror ( my huge double wardrobe has mirrors as doors with a hideous peach tint) and what i was seeing was not who i was. I didn't remember my knee looking so huge that it wasn't even limb like.... i didn't think those rolls of fat were that big.... were my boobs really that saggy?

I keep telling my mother that i hate that wardrobe, I'd rather something much smaller and definitely without mirrors as doors especially if they have a peach tinge to it. But where would i put all my stuff she says...those cost a fortune when those were put in!

Sometimes when i wake up in the morning i love myself, i feel so attractive, so feminine. Why can't i wake up feeling like that everyday? Why can the mind and the mirror be so cruel? The only positive thing i can take out of it is that it encourages me to change what i don't like. But i never feel positive at the time. I get down and blue however it soon that image evacuates my head and i continue on. I can either moan about what i don't have and be depressed or i can take it on the chin, motivate myself some more and rejoice about what i do have!

But between you and me,

Thursday, 8 April 2010

And another loss!

No more Hen do's, birthdays or religious holidays that require you to drink and eat your size in chocolate or alcohol! Hurahh! I went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday dreading the scales and it turns out i LOST another 5 lbs!!! Bringing my total weight loss to a wonderful sweet sounding 16 lbs (1st 2 lbs).

I was given my first stone milestone stone to keep in my purse and i felt incredible and so motivated! I needed to go to the post office today and instead of jumping in the car and driving there i decided to walk, with words of encouragement fresh in my mind from the meeting. I don't know why i can find that walk to town so daunting and long when in reality it is no more than a 10 minute walk! I am seriously considering getting myself one of them pedometers that tells me how much I'd doing and if it is to a satisfactory level.

Other than that great news i am doing alright, really starting to consider the gym now, now that i am carrying a little less of well me! I would love to get into yoga, i think I'd like a wii fit too but something tells me i wouldn't really use it! that maybe a simple pedometer will do!

sending out loving thoughts to all yous :D

lots of love, from the girl in the fat suit!

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

So shameful!

I feel so ashamed... my WW plan has taken it's dip but I'm trying to get back on. I think it was because i lost my routine and my way. I need to get back on the horse! I don't want to stop 2 weeks into it!

After putting on 2 lbs after the hen weekend i don't want to know how much i put on during my birthday week! So i did not go to my meeting, which made me feel bad. Now everything i eat makes me feel guilty. I always seem hungry too. Boyfriend is finally getting his letter from the job centre to say he is unemployed to get a cheaper gym membership so we can go together. I also want to go and try yoga. But yeah i don't want to feel like this anymore... i don't want to feel like i am depriving myself yet again but then again depriving myself is more like gorging on crappy food that won't make me feel any better for eating it. I am battling my two brains... my gimmie more food part and the sensible part. I guess i need to try and gain control, hence me getting back on track with knitting to keep my hands busy so they wont be sneaking to the cupboard!

That's it for now, I'm not feeling too chatty at the moment.

Love from the girl in the fat suit.
xx xx

Friday, 26 March 2010

It's been a while

It's been a while since my last post as i have been a busy bee. I went to the hen do and then i had an interview at Nissan up in Sunderland, North East England. This week i have put on 2Lbs mainly from the hen do and all the pizza and cocktails! To be honest i thought it would be a lot more so i am not disheartened.

Boyfriend's mum is so into me doing weight watchers.... maybe slightly more obsessed with me. But the thing is that i found it so hard to stick to my points because i was away from my home, and not able to keep track online. So i was not good either the past few days. I also went to a meeting up there because i have a monthly pass but because i only had my pass number and not my actual pass i had to pay £5.50! i was gutted. so not only did i have to pay £5.50 but i put on 2 Lbs....

My interview went well. they seemed to like me, i felt like i gave good answers. So i find out today or next week if my life is to turn upside down again and move up north. The salary, though, is more than worth it.

Today is my birthday, and i got all upset. Not because i was another year older but boyfriend's grandparents gave me £40 for my birthday. That sounds bad.. i loved the money but it made me sad because i don't have my own grandparents. Not really. My grandfather died 4 days after i was born, and both grandmothers died recently. Which only leaves my grandfather who lives in Spain and who unfortunately has Alzheimer's and the majority of the time can not remember me. It makes me wish that my grandparents wouldn't have lived so far away as i was growing up. One set lived in Spain the other lived in the North West of England.... I grew up seeing each set once a year if i was lucky! I don't want that to happen to my children when i have them. Which will be hard because my parents live in London, and boyfriend's parents live in the North East.

But enough of me feeling sorry for myself, it's my birthday!!! Where's the cake?!

Love from the girl in the fat suit
x x x

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

So upset

So it was weigh in yesterday and i lost 3lbs bringing my grand total to 13lbs. I was disappointed because i wanted a minimum of 4 because it would bring it up to a stone. But still 3 pounds is 3 pounds. I also weighed my handbag whilst there was a lull in the weigh in and it was 9 and a half pounds! I was flabbergasted! My bag was so heavy but i lost more than that in my first week!

Well off i go to meet my mum in London and she asked me how much i lost, i could see the excitement and anticipation in her eyes and when i told her 3lbs her face dropped, and gave me a look of disappointment. Later on, when we were on the tube home she turned round to me and asked me why do i think i lost ONLY 3lbs? did i eat too much this week? I almost cried.

I felt like saying...wait you have had your gastric band opened a bit and you've put on 40lbs.... my stomach is bigger than yours and i have lost weight and you have not! yet you are moaning about how much weight you put on? isn't that hypercritical? Why haven't you lost weight? that's right because you barely eat but drink about 4 cups of "coffee" with full fat milk in it, double cream and sometime custard in it too! But of course i couldn't say this because it would be disrespectful...cruel...and i am her beloved daughter who now has to lend her clothes because her old ones do not fit anymore. I think i have some unresolved issues with my mother!

I just received a call about a possible job. I have an interview on Tuesday...but the thing is that it is based 300 miles away. Near the area i went to university to and near to wear my boyfriend comes from. To be honest i have more friends up there than down here in London but my very best friend lives down here and the last time we told her that my boyfriend had an interview up there for the same company she cried all night. Tomorrow is her birthday and her hen do this weekend, i don't want to tell her because i don't want to ruin these special few days for her. In fact i can't think of when the right time to tell her is.

I have mixed feelings. i mean i need a proper job, i only work weekends. I need to money and a job so that my boyfriend and i can move forward with our lives, to get engaged, to move into our own place. However, i don't want to leave her. She is the sister i never had. Then there is leaving my family, my cat! Which i hope to bring with me if i get the job and manage to get my own place. She is my baby. I don't know, it's an opportunity i need. That we need. I'll keep you posted.

love from The Girl in the Fat Suit

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

End of the Week

So weigh in day is today at 7pm and I'm looking forward to it. I had a good week bar yesterday where i think i went over my points by 0.5. However i had over 20 saved so i think there will be a weight loss. I'm gutted no one has been able to see a real difference in me, however there must be a difference because i tried on a top at Dorothy Perkins yesterday (a shop i had been banished from because they only go to a size 22 and i was a size 24/26) i tried on a beautiful top that was a 22 and it fitted! I was over the moon! I wanted to buy it but on the back in big white letters were the words Why would a shop do that! Why? It's not cool!

Anyway yesterday i went out with my best friend and bride to be and spent way too much money. I bought myself a whole bunch of new underwear from Primark that were a 20/22 and they fit like a dream! I also bought hen night goodies for Friday/Saturday.

After the shopping trip we went to Frankie and Benny's for lunch and i did have trouble finding low points food. I took my trusty Eating Out points book and settled for a 12 point BBQ chicken pizza. My friend then ordered a cheesy garlic bread not realising it was also the size of a pizza! i had 2 small slices of this cheesy and garlicky goodness. And wow i have not had something quite as tasty as that in a long time! I could of just had that instead of my pizza! For drinks i had water and no desert. Instead i had to watch my friend have a cinnamon waffle topped with nuts and caramel instead... i was so jealous! She kept saying "it's not so nice you know" when i know she was lying because A) she ate it all...almost licked the plate clean and B) i have had it before. it is to die for!! But i was proud of my good behaviour...well almost bar the cheesy garlic bread bit. But know if i ever am going to eat out or get a take away i want a chicken Kebab with salad as it only has 4 or 5 points!

Now about the Hen do... i think i have decided to just forget about the 2 days... enjoy it like any girl should, drink copious amount of alcohol but be extra good with the days around it. Keep my food intake to a minimum and just drink water. If i put on a pound or 2 then it won't be the end of the world. It would be disappointed but I'm not expecting my friend to have any more hen parties anytime soon!

As i went shopping yesterday there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will soon (hopefully within the next couple of months) be able to go shopping in these shops. Create outfits and look more fabulous than i already am!

Saturday, 13 March 2010

Totally Demotivated

Today i feel totally demotivated! I always feel like I'm over eating now and i shouldn't be eating but when i look back at my points tracker I'm in fact under eating my points...sometimes by 5 or 6 points. i feel like I'm depriving myself as well but then the other side of my brains shouts out no don't eat that it has X amount of points!

I'm scared to cook any meals myself because what if i don't get the ingredients right and or what if my portion size is not right its like ahhh.... so I'm sticking to ready meals by weight watchers because i least i know it's 5.5 points or something like it.

I was also like oooh i lost 10 pounds now I'm like i don't notice a difference... i know it's not going to happen over night but I'm starting to get a bit obsessed and i want to know now how much i weight to make sure I'm on track! But we have never kept scales in the house. I'm just torn in two!

I'm hoping to get at least 4 pounds off this week so i can hit my 1 stone off weight loss mile stone. That's what's keeping me going. But all i want to do is hit the corner shop and buy a big old bar of chocolate and munch my way through it but that would just spoil everything. I have eaten chocolate this week. I had the most amazing white chocolate bueno... every bit was tastier than the last, in fact i was a bit sad when i finished it. Which in its self is quite sad itself!

I'm trying to change my attitude with food but as many of you may know it's hard! My head is really all over the place!

What is also worrying me is that this weekend i have a hen do to go to as i am maid of honour. There will be so much drinking taking place and i dunno what to drink as what i tend to like to drink is probably most calorific. Shall i have 2 bad days/ nights? i can't stand any diet drink...and vodka so vodka and diet coke is definitely not for me! Well I'll ponder it out a bit and let you know what my conclusions will be.

Bye for now!
Love from the girl in the fat suit

Friday, 12 March 2010

Things That I'm Looking Forward To...

Last night i was so emotional and i couldn't sleep. So i tried to think of happy things to try to distract myself and i came up to thinking what i would do when i was a size 16/18 as opposed to a 24/26 and i started to get all excited.

There is two world i believe when you are overweight... the things you can do and the things the world tells you that you can't do!

I'm told i can't shop in "normal" clothes shops and if i can i am mainly banished to the corner of the "plus size" range, or if the shop does do clothes in larger sizes i have rummage at the back of the clothes just hoping they have what i want in my size or i have to go to the one plus size shop (Evans) and pay over the odds for frankly items of clothing is not my style and designed for someone who is around 15 years older than i am. I don't want to just settle... i want to pick and chose what i want to wear...mix and match from shops... i want to shop at Primark with ease... i want to go out with my friends and not be just the advisor on the clothes they try on because shock horror they don't do my size!

I'm told i can go on theme park rides because I'm too big for the seats. Years ago when i was around a size 22, i went to Thorpe Park and i was so excited because i love theme parks. Its the thrill of it i guess! When i jumped into the seat, it wouldn't shut... i had 2 staff try and push the seat down and it just wouldn't click into place. I can't tell you how humiliated i was! I have never been to a theme park since. I always claim i can't afford it but in reality i don't want to queue up with friends for an hour for a ride to then wait for them to enjoy their 1 minute ride! If i wanted to spend my day queuing i would jump in the car and spend the day on the M25!

Love for me has never been a problem. I have had relationships since 16 and i am currently in a very loving relationship for over 2 and half years. He is very encouraging and supportive in what i want, tells me i am beautiful and sexy everyday which makes me a very lucky girl. I am truly blessed in having my relationship.

I look forward to flying on an aeroplane. I mean i have flown yearly but i always stick myself in the window seat so the bf can sit next to me. I am fed up of seeing the faces of disappointment and disgust of fellow passengers who realise they have to sit next to me and face a 2+ hour journey next to someone who takes up so much space. I can't wait to be able to do up the seat belt and pull the adjuster rather than max it out to the longest length and breath in as much as i can hoping it will do up.

I also find that when i am on the tube that I'm the last person someone sits next to. I'm already squeezed into a seat. The stranger who dares sit next to me would have already weighed up the options to either stand or give their tired feet a rest but also squeeze into the seat.

I look forward in doing these things... which a lot of people take for granted. The lucky ones who can eat anything and stay slender, the ones who work hard to keep their shape. I one day will be one of them lucky ones and that's the thing... i will consider myself lucky... i broke the cycle of feeling down and eating and become the person i envisage in my mind that i really am. I'm no fool, i know my life won't be perfect once i lose weight however i know my life will become easier.

Thinking of all them things i want to do is what motivates me not to fall into my cycle of when feeling down i comfort myself by eating the house out of all the sweet sugary carbs it possesses but by doing something else...something more productive.

Thanks for reading.

Love from the Girl in the Fat Suit x x