My Size...My Life

When reading more of my Jemima J: A Novel About Ugly Ducklings and Swans by Jane Green i came across this sentence:

"My size dictates my social life, and my size is the one I can't control."

This made me quite angry on the inside and i felt so passionate about this one sentence i actually sat down and planned this blog. Normally i go with the flow and let it all out.

I may have mentioned before that my mother was very large, I'm not sure of her exact weight but I'm guessing over 400 lbs maybe even up to 500 lbs. She had to have clothes made for her and she always wore bright colours. I associate blood red and fuchsia pink clothing with my mum. She was very successful in her job, she was always at business do's, talking to all these business men, she threw excellent parties.

Since she has lost weight i have learnt that she was not a happy woman, but as every woman does, she masked her depression and only shows to the world the positive, happy woman she knew she could be. I never saw her unhappy, at least from my recollections i never did.

I had a good collection of friends as a grew up, life long ones, who liked me for me and i felt i was not judged. I was not bullied, either, looking back i could count myself lucky for that. Sure there was bitchiness but never bullying.

My mum also nurtured a self confidence in me. She made me go to the counters and order stuff, all by myself. Whether it be a train station to buy tickets, in a restaurant to ask the waitress for something, or even fast food outlets. She "trained" me to speak to strangers, to complain and stand up for my rights.

Writing this paragraphs I understand i am a lucky individual. I am lucky i had a role model in my mum, who started my education on the university of life early. I have grown up knowing that the world IS my oyster and i decide my life, my future.

There are times when inevitably my size did dictate my life, i could not buy clothes from the normal retail outlets, i walked slower but never did it ever dictate my social life, i would not let it! I went out to pubs and clubs. I had boyfriends, i went to the cinema, i went to the mall. Although some of the world may have seen me as abnormal.... in my heart i was normal and boy did i let the world that.

And saying that, the character in the book saying that the weight issue is something she cannot control angers me too. It is totally in her control... as my weight is in my control. It's up to the the individual to realise this and take control.

I don't know, i had this blog so clear in my head and now i feel like i am being harsh. Maybe because i saw mum do so well in her professional career and so confident i know that i can be and that weight is never really an issue. All i know for sure that because of my mum i am the person i am and...

My size DOES NOT dictate my social life and my size IS the one thing i CAN control!

Several Steps in the Right Direction

I'm not sure you if you know this but i am doing C25K (Couch to 5k). I started around a month ago and it is the best thing i have started for me. Well second, the best one was when i decided to embark on this weight loss journey. I do try and get out 3 times a week, but sometimes life just gets in the way. But today whilst i went out and did Week 2 Day ? (I'm thinking its 3 or 4) i just started thinking.

I've been going out jogging with just me and the floor and today i found it so hard, where as before i found it OK. Then i realised i had been doing it recently in an air conditioned gym on the running machine (formally known as the walking machine as i was too scared to even jog on it because of the noise i may make on it...heavy girl running, big stomping noises... and that i may break it!) and that might of made a difference. You have the machine setting your pace and you know if you even miss a step you are catapulted to the floor with friction burns dotted around your body and possibly even damaged clothing. How do i know this? It's happened to me around 10 years ago.

 But no matter how hard it got i still pushed myself further because i knew I'd only feel worse if i gave up. I jogged by the river for around a mile (four 90s jogs) and turned round to do my other 4. Whilst retracing my steps i was face with the option to go down a different way that leads to my house, but i knew it would be shorter and i told myself no, and slightly further on there was another turn off that again i could of taken but once again it would of been a short cut. I committed to this weight loss, and i committed to the C25K. I'd only be cheating myself.

But when I'm jogging and all sorts of weird animal noises come out and wheezing, and if my top rides up i am terrified i look like this!

But what keeps me going is that someday soon, that image will turn into...

If you would have told me that i would have started a jogging programme and actually somewhat enjoy it Not even February i would have chocked on my fast food by laughing so much! But i do enjoy it. In fact i look forward to seeing the results that all this jogging does, the fact that it's damn hard and that i come out of it the other end each time is a triumph i can claim my own. I may not be the fastest, most graceful jogger but at least i am getting off my (now slightly smaller) ass and persevere with it. I have friends who keep saying how they need/want to lose weight, yet whenever i invite them to come along with me there is always an excuse.

Yes so life can get in the way sometimes and i can't always go out and do the exercise i want to but at least i get out there when i can and undo the damage i have done to myself for the 10 plus years!

A weighty read

I love to read fiction books, mainly from the romantic genre, some may even call it Chic Lit. Doesn't bother me, i just get lost in the authors world and make it my own. I love some of my books so much i am constantly re-reading them. Which is what inspired me to write this post.

I picked up Jemima J (by Jane Green) 5 years ago in a charity shop not because of what the synopses said, oh no, I'm far too shallow for that! I really do judge a book by it's cover and i liked what i saw. I took it back home and when i realised it was about a young woman in her 20's who was over weight and transformed her self and made a fresh start in the USA i was sucked in and could not put it down. Each time i read it i can relate.

Still fairly new on this life changing course that is losing weight i decided to re read it. Just pages in i am already liking and associating my self with Jemima.

"...I actively avoid walking past building sites of any description - they see my large, round stomach, the thighs that rub together when i walk. Unfortunately they don't see what i see when i look in the mirror. Selective visualization, i think I'll call it. They don't see my glossy light brown hair...my green eyes...my full lips"

In my case it's not building sites i avoid, it's groups of young people, especially groups of boys. They are not all bad, after all i am an aspiring youth worker, however i have had bad experiences in the past. Teen boys can be cruel and can have no shame and know that they can get away with it as people are now too scared to confront them as the level of street knife and gun crime is on the rise. People do not know who they can and can't confront.

When i look in the mirror i don't see a fat girl. I see a beautiful young woman with sparkly eyes, full lips, thick hair, a smile that knocks people's socks off. If you ignore the fat *shudder* stomach that bulges, you can see an hour glass silhouette.

"They don't notice the clothes either, because, despite weighing far, far more than i should, i don't let myself go. I always make an effort. I mean, look at me now. if i were slim, you would say i look fantastic in my bold striped trousers and long tunic top in a perfectly matching shade of orange. But no, because of the size i am people look at me and thing, 'God, she shouldn't wear such bright colours, she shouldn't draw attention to herself' But why shouldn't I enjoy clothes?"

It's true. Why shouldn't I enjoy clothes? And i do, I adore fashion but never feel like i can really follow the fashion as it hasn't been tailored to the larger young woman. I don't know about you, but personally i do not like my arms. I am guessing there are other women like me who don't and if they had the choice would rather cover them up with a bit of a sleeve. Shops are constantly only selling those strappy tops. That would be perfect if it had just that little bit of a sleeve that covered the top! They also seem to think that because we have limited choice, that any old fabric with a second class pattern will do for a top price.

So back to my original point. I find it so important to read, i always try to read every day, even if it is just a page a day. I find books that you can find inspiring as well as entertaining the best. What i believe started me losing weight was a book called "The Perfect 10" by Louise Kean .

A girl called Sunny had lost life changing amounts of weight and it was just so inspiring. I mean i did feel the book ran out of steam towards the end but that was the love story part but i was more interesting in her own personal weight loss story and about people's judgement and how friend's attitudes change towards you when you no longer are the fat friend.

All in all i only have 2 weight loss related books, 4 if you include 2 autobiographies. I have Sharon Osbourn's books and another by Mikyla Dodd and her book is called 'The Fat Girl from "Hollyoaks"

She has lost over 150 pounds and you can get the gist of her story here.

Do you guys have any weigh loss related fiction or biographies that you love to read, or inspires you? I'd love to hear your literary choices.

Girl in Fatsuit
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Quarter of a Century

I have sat and read through many amazing and inspiring blogs. People have lost tons of weight, i mean i am talking about 100 lbs plus. They have transformed their bodies and their lives and it gives me a warming feeling that i can follow their stories not just those who have lost a massive amount but those who are at the beginning or mid stages.

The warm feeling tends to drain when i then look at the mirror, my story. I look in the mirror, i don't see the change, i look at the figures and say " is that it?" This is where the insecure part of me takes over. How can i say is that it? I have lost 25 lbs in just over 2 months! i should be celebrating this not berating my self for not having lost more. I am not in the biggest loser! I haven't got mean personal trainers on my ass every single day making me workout until i drop, i haven't got them keeping an eye on what i eat etc. Sometime i wish i did have all that but it isn't healthy.

A steady loss is what i need, it will more than likely stay off. This is a lifestyle change not a diet, i have to get this in my head. Plus as i was walking back from the shop this afternoon (in a dress that fitted me well after i adjusted it last august and now is too baggy round the boobs...felt soo good to my ego) and i was thinking about the number 25.

25 is a quarter of a 100, if my weight loss were to carry on the way it is (which i am not expecting it too but who knows) then in another 6 months i could lose 100 lbs. But in 6 months i could lose say another 40 lbs.... 65 in total. Wow. It puts it all into perspective really. For me anyway. I'll explain. 25 lbs is not a small amount of weight, and if i continue on the way i am going, within 6 months i could surpass and be close to that 100 pound mark.

And of course losing a couple of pounds with my body shape is not as noticeable as someone who is far thinner than i am. I also forgot this point. But each pound is a step closer to being the girl i am inside.

To keep positive with my wight loss i have created a very geeky thing but on Excell i have done a table of which i have made a graph....and this is it! Thanks for reading this post, i was kinda going with the flow and discovering what i meant as i went along.

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict...

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict. Let me tell you about my drug, it is so accessible! It's everywhere. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, it's not illegal, and there are thousands of different versions that you can have! It's food.

The past few nights i have been craving sweets, sweet chocolate, dessert, anything with caramel or chocolate to be honest. I even seriously thought about driving to McDonald's and getting my strange but ultra tasty mix treat... fries and caramel sundae. I love to dip the fries in the ice cream and then eat the caramel last. But i have stopped my self. It is so easy to think " Just one more chocolate bar or just one more chip, just one more..." But it never really is worth it.

I have felt like a total addict recently. I have needed hits of sugar to satisfy me, otherwise i get all agitated and feel like i am missing something. Sometimes i give in, sometimes i manage to control myself. It's a thing i do now. Do i really want this? How will i feel if i eat this? Will it really make me feel better? Is my body craving sugar or is it my brain/feelings?

Having these thoughts of addiction in my mind i went on the net to look it up. I found that not only was i not alone in having these feelings but there is scientific proof about having these feelings.

"A team from Scripps Research Institute in Florida found binging on junk food triggered the same chemical release in the brain that heroin and cocaine addicts experience when they get high."

So because i am cutting out the chocolate, ice cream, fries (god i miss them sometimes) i am having withdrawal symptoms. In a way, that is rather sad and i want to be able to control these feelings, temptations and cravings but sometimes i just can't. I do sometimes have a weak moment and "binge" on junk food. Why could i not just binge on carrot sticks and lettuce? But what is different to me binging before March 2010 and after is that i binge an awful lot less and i now exercise.

Plus binging then and now are completely two different things. Before i could polish off a tub of ice cream, eat tons of pop corn, giant bars of chocolate. Now i will have a white chocolate bueno (4p for the 2 bars), i buy WW carrot cake slices because they are 1p a slice i don't feel too guilty about it and they are delicious too! They have a layer of icing too which satisfy my cravings. So delicious are they that the boyfriend even eats them. Although as any addict would, i get annoyed at the boyfriend eating them... they ARE my carrot cake slices after all!

Before i used to over indulge, now i treat within my points. I may not be knowledgeable in many areas but i do know this. I have a healthier attitude to food, if i can't help but to feed my withdrawals i know that i can redeem my self later on, not say "oh well i blew it for today i might as well carry on" which is something i used to say.

This addiction with food is something i can overcome but don't think i will ever shake off. I can keep the addiction monster at bay but bring out the good stuff at the wrong time and it can be set off again. I know that and can accept that. But for now, i am still working at it.

Forgive me....

Forgive me bloggers for i have sinned.... It has been over 2 weeks since my last weigh in.

I am ashamed to say that when i did last go to WW i had put on 3lbs and then with the wedding in it's final few things i have no had time to sit and plan, exercise and ate junk. Even last night i ate junk...burger, with cheese, chips, cheesy garlic bread AND some onion rings. Does it help that the burger has salad in it?

My excuse and it is an excuse i know, is that i was celebrating. I had just heard i had been offered a job. The job that will put me on the career ladder. I have also drank tons of alcohol, eaten tones of cheese, pizza and i dread to think what the results are.

Now sitting and thinking about all the truly wonderful and tasty foods i have eaten.... where are they now? They were with me to celebrate happiness, joy, to treat me for all the hard work i put in with a wedding that was not mine, to console me that the wedding is over and my best friend is now a Mrs and i won't see her for two weeks as she is in Orlando. Yes food has been there for many reasons... but now it's still with me... Its there haunting me, it's laughing at me. Its sitting round my stomach, my thighs. It's taunting me, telling me all the good hard work i did has now been undone.

There are two reasons i have not been to weight watchers, one i have been scared to see the results, and secondly i could not afford it. The wedding wiped me out. I do not have the cash... seriously my bank balance stands at £0.15.

So bloggers please forgive my past few weeks. I want to be good again, it may be boring but it makes me feel amazing. My "one day this will be true" mother-in-law has offered to pay for me. She says that if i don't get back in there then i will never go back. So next week i will be back!

Off i go now, just a short post to say sorry to my followers for my downfall but i will make both you and i proud and get back on that horse and count points! I'll turn to the boyfriend for comfort and not to food. But on a brighter note i shall put up a picture of us at the wedding. I am obviously not the bride and the one that looks like an oompa-loompa because of the spray tan that the bride told me to get.