Tuesday, 20 April 2010

A Mixed bag of feelings

Today was the day of my dream job interview. I was so nervous that i think i may have ruined my chances as there are a lot of applicants who may have been better. But i don't really want to concentrate on it. If i keep thinking of the mistakes i did, i will only get myself down. But I'll find out in 2 - 3 weeks. So fingers crossed.

But i am overwhelmed by the positive remarks over my exposed post. Such beautiful and positive comments. People are calling me an inspiration which makes me feel a tad like a fraud. I am just at the beginning stages, my journey is no where near the half way mark. I think people like Brooke are the true inspirations. (I'm sorry Brooke i keep referring to you, I've kinda just attached myself to you and think of you like a mentor.)

So these comments have made me feel happy. Its amazing what a few kind words can do to a person. They certainly have cheered me up no end.

I have a new phone, and i have twitter running on it constantly (thank goodness i am a heavy sleeper as it must always go off at night when all you across the pond are still awake) and i am always a message away from people who are just like me. A larger person who is trying to change their life. But this past few weeks, I've realised its not just larger people, it's sweet, kind, caring strangers who are rapidly becoming people i look forward to hearing from.

Although i am a positive person, i am making an extra effort to count my blessings. I am blessed to have a family, friends and boyfriend who love me. I am blessed to have a job even if it is only 8 hours a week and in retail hell, I'm blessed to have people on twitter who understand me, encourage me, and listen to me. Call it blessed, call it lucky, call it whatever. If you think positive, you attract positive.

I have a new moto: Live Life, Love Life!

Love from the girl in the (shrinking) fatsuit x x x

ps. writing this post and thinking about the good things has made me feel happier

Friday, 16 April 2010

Things I look forward to

I have touched upon this in one of my first blogs but things just keeping popping into my head that i can't wait to do. I'm hoping writing them down will be a permanent motivator to myself. Once i have achieved any of these i will cross them off.

  1. Ride roller coasters
  2. fly comfortably on a plane
  3. buy clothes from normal shops that aren't for "plus sized ladies"
  4. be able to wear heels for more than 10 minutes without them hurting
  5. share clothes with my friends
  6. wearing a skirt and not worrying how my thighs look and if it's too short
  7. not having to eye up a chair to see whether i will fit in or if it is sturdy enough
  8. not bumping into things or people with my bum!
  9. feel ok with myself when i go on holiday with bf and his family...the skinny s.o.b's :P ( i love them really)
  10. not being scared to wearing tops with no sleeves.
  11. Wearing a handbag over my shoulder/body and not have it come up to my mid stomache and not down my hip, where it should be.

Everyone is Exposed!

I love people, learning about them, talking to them and knowing their stories. That is why this week i have been fascinated about some of the current exposed blogs that people have written recently.

Personally i think fat is a horrible word and i am sure i am not alone in thinking it. Thinking what fat means to me is someone who is really really large... such as those who would be classed as morbidly obese. Morbidly obese is another term i don't like because to me it means your fat could kill you. It's a catch 22. So i have never liked to think myself as either labels, i am just me. However, i have always failed to recognise that the world may label me in either or both categories. But looking back at what i do look like, i cannot lie to myself any more. I am fat and my stats do make me morbidly obese. So what am i going to do?

I will tell you what i will not do. I will no longer continue to lie to myself. I will no longer ignore what i am eating, i will not ignore what body is telling me to do, because things have got to change.

Change is a big thing for most people, some are scared of it, some are motivated by it and others embrace it. I must learn not to be scared of change because this change i am working towards will change my life for the better. I must embrace this change, positive things will happen because of it and i am not doing this alone!

There is this girl on twitter, i find her an inspiration. Her name is Brooke, and i hope she does not mind me saying this but she is an inspiration for me for change. She is a beautiful young lady who has inspired me beyond belief to recognise that i can do this. She recently exposed her self and here is her story. Then there is (again i hope he doesn't mind me saying this) the ever so hunky Fat Lazy Guy who has lost a whopping 287 lbs! Truly amazing and fascinating. Then there is Ron. He like me, i believe is just starting his journey. I am a really lucky girl to have awesome people like these on my my twitter and to be able to read their stories and journeys.

So i am going to be a sheep and expose myself real soon!

Have a lovely day
lots of love
x x x x x

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

pissed off!

so lets deal with the positive. I have lost another 2 lbs this week. Making my total loss to a lovely 18 lbs/ 1st 4 lbs. Agin i did not track this week, i ate chocolate too. But i really must start tracking. I have also needed to get the bus recently as i didn't have access to a car so i have been getting off a stop early or walking a stop extra to get my walk on. Also whilst out on my travels i popped into a charity shop just by chance and found "only fat people skip breakfast" so i will give that a read too.

So why am i pissed off? I think i could break that xbox!! pointless stupid machine that brainwashes stupid boyfriend!!! Boyfriend went up to the north where he is from because he had an aptitude test for a job. this is the second test for a second job that he has screwed up. He came out of university last June, an has picked a part time job. one day a week at a social club. He has not even applied to a single job whilst being down here! he's applied to 3 up north because his parents told him to. But down here? nope.

So yeah anyway he was meant to come down yesterday, i called him up and he said he was leaving soon, but then spent, 3 hours on the xbox. how do i know this? i have an app on my phone that tells me when my friends are online on the xbox. So yeah anyway he comes down, have a nice evening etc.

This morning, the bell goes off. i answer the door, we get up. i come downstairs looking for something, he then starts moaning, and says are all the clothes on the floor clean....which i don't know. puts it all in the wash basket and goes straight on the xbox. He does that every morning. Every morning, afternoon and night. he's on th
at stupid xbox.

I love him so much, but he has no drive, no dreams or ambitions that sometimes i do wonder if it is better for me if i wasn't with him. I love him so much though, and when he is gone i miss him. but when does it come to the point where i have to start thinking of me?

I dunno how to put it any other way. my mind is all over the place. But i know i'd love to do this to his xbox!

x x x

Friday, 9 April 2010

The Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall, am i the fattest of them all?

The Mirror is an awful invention isn't it? Depending on your mood, you either look like a princess or a blob of skin and flesh. Normally for me it is the latter. Yesterday i was sat in my underwear and in front of the mirror ( my huge double wardrobe has mirrors as doors with a hideous peach tint) and what i was seeing was not who i was. I didn't remember my knee looking so huge that it wasn't even limb like.... i didn't think those rolls of fat were that big.... were my boobs really that saggy?

I keep telling my mother that i hate that wardrobe, I'd rather something much smaller and definitely without mirrors as doors especially if they have a peach tinge to it. But where would i put all my stuff she says...those cost a fortune when those were put in!

Sometimes when i wake up in the morning i love myself, i feel so attractive, so feminine. Why can't i wake up feeling like that everyday? Why can the mind and the mirror be so cruel? The only positive thing i can take out of it is that it encourages me to change what i don't like. But i never feel positive at the time. I get down and blue however it soon that image evacuates my head and i continue on. I can either moan about what i don't have and be depressed or i can take it on the chin, motivate myself some more and rejoice about what i do have!

But between you and me,

Thursday, 8 April 2010

And another loss!

No more Hen do's, birthdays or religious holidays that require you to drink and eat your size in chocolate or alcohol! Hurahh! I went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday dreading the scales and it turns out i LOST another 5 lbs!!! Bringing my total weight loss to a wonderful sweet sounding 16 lbs (1st 2 lbs).

I was given my first stone milestone stone to keep in my purse and i felt incredible and so motivated! I needed to go to the post office today and instead of jumping in the car and driving there i decided to walk, with words of encouragement fresh in my mind from the meeting. I don't know why i can find that walk to town so daunting and long when in reality it is no more than a 10 minute walk! I am seriously considering getting myself one of them pedometers that tells me how much I'd doing and if it is to a satisfactory level.

Other than that great news i am doing alright, really starting to consider the gym now, now that i am carrying a little less of well me! I would love to get into yoga, i think I'd like a wii fit too but something tells me i wouldn't really use it! that maybe a simple pedometer will do!

sending out loving thoughts to all yous :D

lots of love, from the girl in the fat suit!