New target

So I'm like a yo yo, I go down and then back up. 2013 is a big year for me. I'm getting married in October to the mr shawsome :)

I have no ultimate set goal for what I want to be like, but I am going to set myself a goal for February. In February mr. Shawsome and I are going to go to panama. I haven't been in 8 years, and its a long flight. I want to lose 2 stone by then.

I weighed myself this morning and I've gone back up to a whopping 23stone 5lbs. So by the time I get to February I want to be at the very least. 21st 5lbs. It's not much of a difference in the grand scheme of things but it will make for a more comfortable journey (it can take 24hours to get there!) I want to look better, feel better etc.

So the mission starts 2nd Jan. I'm going to need motivation and will power to change my uber bad habits and get into more healthy ones.

Day 1

So my last post was more for me than for you, it was a reminder that this is something i am going to do, and give it my best again. It's written down and something i now have to follow through.

I am going to have to reset all my stats, will add to the stats column and add my lowest weight. At the moment i won't be going to a class as my  work schedule is all over the place and was one thing (along with laziness) that stopped the whole process.

Today so far i have eaten 37 out of my 47 points, i have no idea what to have for my last 10. i know i should eat up all my points. I am planning to get on the wii for at least 30 mins (stepping, boxing and hoola hooping).

I am also doing a shopping list so i can plan and make healthy meals, although i feel like i have forgotten all my healthy meals after binging on pizza, chips and take away for the past few months. I am getting fresh vegetables, lean meat, and filling foods. Although, and i am sure you agree with me on this, i just wish i could have a cook that made me my meals and said "here you go, it will fill you up and its super delicious!"

 I have been using these wii weights and i'm hoping they will add to the work out. I use them when i'm doing my stepping, and i do the stepping for about 10 minutes, because you put it on in the background and watch regular tv and the wii remote plays a rhythmic beat so you can keep up with the steps. i also am using them for the boxing. I would recommend them as they aren't super heavy and you do feel like you have done a workout! I've posted a link of the exact ones i am using below.

Today has been ok, i've been trying to change my bad habits. I was some chocolate fingers on the table when i got in and instinctively went to have some, but i realised what i was doing and stopped. That's something to pat myself on the back for. These little things that we say no to, is almost an achievement in itself, because i don't know about you, but for me, it's hard to say no. Not when you are in your own home and no one around to judge you for what you are, maybe not even necessarily realise, eating. These first few days are hard if you have not watched what you ate. I'm sure my stomach has been stretched by what i have eaten, i now need to slowly wait and let it shrink back by eating sensible portions. Feeling hungry is the worst feeling for an over eater like myself. I'm feeling it now, i'm going to go have some strawberries (0pp) and drink some water to quiet down the pangs.

 

One step at a time

It's been months since i have done any C25K training and will probably have to start all over again. So this in mind and knowing i've got to start moving i have started to use all my CardioTrainer apps on my android phone.

i've set my goal of losing 4lbs in 3 weeks, CardioTrainer thinks it's an ambitious goal with an average risk of failure. Ha i will prove it wrong! The plan we have put together is around walking 8 miles 5 times a week (weekends i'm at work and constantly stand and walk, however i don't know how much i do). The walking should roughly help me lose 0.35lb and eating around 490 less calories daily should lead to a weekly weight loss of 1.33lbs.

Yesturday CardioTrainer i walked i walked a total of 2.2 miles, but i'd say it was more around 2.5 maybe a little more as the satalite sometimes wouldn't connect properly. Today i did 1.5 miles around the blocks of my home. So, thats a total of around 4 miles, 2 days in and already half way to my target of miles!

I can't wait to weigh myself. i have to stop myself going, because that could be somewhat distructive. So yeah, one day at a time...one step at a time

The Entrepreneur in Me

I've been away from the world of blogging and twitter for a few weeks with some half hearted attempts to rejoining the world. But I'm fresh off my hols and i am back! Just before i went on holiday i did a little self plug on my clothes on ebay. Well it did so well, that not only was i impressed but so was the boyfriend's parents and not only did they insist me keeping the money i raised but to invest it into a mini business.

So i invested some of that money into acquiring new "stock" at rock bottom prices of course and have a new "range" on my ebay page with many items starting off at 99p.

I have bought myself pink postage bags, i have a logo i have always used but need a name to go with those initials in the logo. I'm thinking So Delightful! So i have some amazing plus size stock....cheap prices...now all i need is the customers. All you lovely people are doing amazingly well on your weight losses it can be very expensive to buy clothes when you are in between sizes. I am cheap! Many items less than £5 and the postage and packaging are fair because it does include the postage as well as the packaging.

What do you say? Will you have a look at my ebay page? I do have more to put up, that's tonight's job. But if you like what you see will you pass on the secret to any other friends or relatives? I'm gonna look at some of the sizes more closely as i have a size 30 dress suit (£5.99 or £10 buy it now) but it looks like i can fit into it and i am a 22/24.

If this second run is successful then I'm seriously considering to turn it into a fully fledged ebay business selling super affordable plus size clothes that are fashionable and not made for the 60 year old in you!

I do have the odd smaller size on there and i do have large shoe sizes such as an 8 or 9!

Here's to the entrepreneur in me and adding a little bit of extra money into the bank account.

My ebay page is: http://shop.ebay.co.uk/u0504045/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=&_trksid=p4340

Inspiration needed!

It has been a while since my last entry. I've not been at the laptop as much since i got my phone back. But i can't blog on my phone tho, which is not cool.

Last week i went to the North East with BF. I didn't get to go to the gym or go for a jog. I ate sweets at the cinema, take out and drank alcohol. So i put on 4 pounds. I have been hitting it hard at the gym since. I went on Saturday evening after work and then today. I keep hitting that darn wall when it comes to jogging. I'm still on week 3 of my C25K and only seem to be doing 2k. By the second 3 minute jog half of me is begging to stop, the other half is begging and willing me to carry on, that i can do it.

I don't quit, If i do need to take a breather and rest my legs i do it during the walking bit.

I can't seem to get motivation though. I'm currently stuck in the 280's.... how can i be struggling already? All i keep thinking is that i can't believe i let me self go so much last week. I could be out of the 280's and be in the 270's by now. I wanna reach 30 lbs lost! i was so close and all!

But it's just a blip. I will go past it! I will exercise my shrinking butt off these next few weeks so i can escape this blip! I am now going to set up my goal list and bucket list to keep me focused.

I read on someones blog at some point... I'm sorry i can't remember who, let me know if it was you. But for every pound you lose you should add a paper clip to create a paper clip chain. I've got that up in my room. I look forward to adding the paper clip(s) and feel gutted every time i have to remove one (or more).

Who else has tips to keep me motivated now that i do not go to Weight Watchers?

My Size...My Life

When reading more of my Jemima J: A Novel About Ugly Ducklings and Swans by Jane Green i came across this sentence:

"My size dictates my social life, and my size is the one I can't control."

This made me quite angry on the inside and i felt so passionate about this one sentence i actually sat down and planned this blog. Normally i go with the flow and let it all out.

I may have mentioned before that my mother was very large, I'm not sure of her exact weight but I'm guessing over 400 lbs maybe even up to 500 lbs. She had to have clothes made for her and she always wore bright colours. I associate blood red and fuchsia pink clothing with my mum. She was very successful in her job, she was always at business do's, talking to all these business men, she threw excellent parties.

Since she has lost weight i have learnt that she was not a happy woman, but as every woman does, she masked her depression and only shows to the world the positive, happy woman she knew she could be. I never saw her unhappy, at least from my recollections i never did.

I had a good collection of friends as a grew up, life long ones, who liked me for me and i felt i was not judged. I was not bullied, either, looking back i could count myself lucky for that. Sure there was bitchiness but never bullying.

My mum also nurtured a self confidence in me. She made me go to the counters and order stuff, all by myself. Whether it be a train station to buy tickets, in a restaurant to ask the waitress for something, or even fast food outlets. She "trained" me to speak to strangers, to complain and stand up for my rights.

Writing this paragraphs I understand i am a lucky individual. I am lucky i had a role model in my mum, who started my education on the university of life early. I have grown up knowing that the world IS my oyster and i decide my life, my future.

There are times when inevitably my size did dictate my life, i could not buy clothes from the normal retail outlets, i walked slower but never did it ever dictate my social life, i would not let it! I went out to pubs and clubs. I had boyfriends, i went to the cinema, i went to the mall. Although some of the world may have seen me as abnormal.... in my heart i was normal and boy did i let the world that.

And saying that, the character in the book saying that the weight issue is something she cannot control angers me too. It is totally in her control... as my weight is in my control. It's up to the the individual to realise this and take control.

I don't know, i had this blog so clear in my head and now i feel like i am being harsh. Maybe because i saw mum do so well in her professional career and so confident i know that i can be and that weight is never really an issue. All i know for sure that because of my mum i am the person i am and...

My size DOES NOT dictate my social life and my size IS the one thing i CAN control!

Several Steps in the Right Direction

I'm not sure you if you know this but i am doing C25K (Couch to 5k). I started around a month ago and it is the best thing i have started for me. Well second, the best one was when i decided to embark on this weight loss journey. I do try and get out 3 times a week, but sometimes life just gets in the way. But today whilst i went out and did Week 2 Day ? (I'm thinking its 3 or 4) i just started thinking.

I've been going out jogging with just me and the floor and today i found it so hard, where as before i found it OK. Then i realised i had been doing it recently in an air conditioned gym on the running machine (formally known as the walking machine as i was too scared to even jog on it because of the noise i may make on it...heavy girl running, big stomping noises... and that i may break it!) and that might of made a difference. You have the machine setting your pace and you know if you even miss a step you are catapulted to the floor with friction burns dotted around your body and possibly even damaged clothing. How do i know this? It's happened to me around 10 years ago.

 But no matter how hard it got i still pushed myself further because i knew I'd only feel worse if i gave up. I jogged by the river for around a mile (four 90s jogs) and turned round to do my other 4. Whilst retracing my steps i was face with the option to go down a different way that leads to my house, but i knew it would be shorter and i told myself no, and slightly further on there was another turn off that again i could of taken but once again it would of been a short cut. I committed to this weight loss, and i committed to the C25K. I'd only be cheating myself.

But when I'm jogging and all sorts of weird animal noises come out and wheezing, and if my top rides up i am terrified i look like this!

But what keeps me going is that someday soon, that image will turn into...

If you would have told me that i would have started a jogging programme and actually somewhat enjoy it Not even February i would have chocked on my fast food by laughing so much! But i do enjoy it. In fact i look forward to seeing the results that all this jogging does, the fact that it's damn hard and that i come out of it the other end each time is a triumph i can claim my own. I may not be the fastest, most graceful jogger but at least i am getting off my (now slightly smaller) ass and persevere with it. I have friends who keep saying how they need/want to lose weight, yet whenever i invite them to come along with me there is always an excuse.

Yes so life can get in the way sometimes and i can't always go out and do the exercise i want to but at least i get out there when i can and undo the damage i have done to myself for the 10 plus years!

A weighty read

I love to read fiction books, mainly from the romantic genre, some may even call it Chic Lit. Doesn't bother me, i just get lost in the authors world and make it my own. I love some of my books so much i am constantly re-reading them. Which is what inspired me to write this post.

I picked up Jemima J (by Jane Green) 5 years ago in a charity shop not because of what the synopses said, oh no, I'm far too shallow for that! I really do judge a book by it's cover and i liked what i saw. I took it back home and when i realised it was about a young woman in her 20's who was over weight and transformed her self and made a fresh start in the USA i was sucked in and could not put it down. Each time i read it i can relate.

Still fairly new on this life changing course that is losing weight i decided to re read it. Just pages in i am already liking and associating my self with Jemima.

"...I actively avoid walking past building sites of any description - they see my large, round stomach, the thighs that rub together when i walk. Unfortunately they don't see what i see when i look in the mirror. Selective visualization, i think I'll call it. They don't see my glossy light brown hair...my green eyes...my full lips"

In my case it's not building sites i avoid, it's groups of young people, especially groups of boys. They are not all bad, after all i am an aspiring youth worker, however i have had bad experiences in the past. Teen boys can be cruel and can have no shame and know that they can get away with it as people are now too scared to confront them as the level of street knife and gun crime is on the rise. People do not know who they can and can't confront.

When i look in the mirror i don't see a fat girl. I see a beautiful young woman with sparkly eyes, full lips, thick hair, a smile that knocks people's socks off. If you ignore the fat *shudder* stomach that bulges, you can see an hour glass silhouette.

"They don't notice the clothes either, because, despite weighing far, far more than i should, i don't let myself go. I always make an effort. I mean, look at me now. if i were slim, you would say i look fantastic in my bold striped trousers and long tunic top in a perfectly matching shade of orange. But no, because of the size i am people look at me and thing, 'God, she shouldn't wear such bright colours, she shouldn't draw attention to herself' But why shouldn't I enjoy clothes?"

It's true. Why shouldn't I enjoy clothes? And i do, I adore fashion but never feel like i can really follow the fashion as it hasn't been tailored to the larger young woman. I don't know about you, but personally i do not like my arms. I am guessing there are other women like me who don't and if they had the choice would rather cover them up with a bit of a sleeve. Shops are constantly only selling those strappy tops. That would be perfect if it had just that little bit of a sleeve that covered the top! They also seem to think that because we have limited choice, that any old fabric with a second class pattern will do for a top price.

So back to my original point. I find it so important to read, i always try to read every day, even if it is just a page a day. I find books that you can find inspiring as well as entertaining the best. What i believe started me losing weight was a book called "The Perfect 10" by Louise Kean .

A girl called Sunny had lost life changing amounts of weight and it was just so inspiring. I mean i did feel the book ran out of steam towards the end but that was the love story part but i was more interesting in her own personal weight loss story and about people's judgement and how friend's attitudes change towards you when you no longer are the fat friend.

All in all i only have 2 weight loss related books, 4 if you include 2 autobiographies. I have Sharon Osbourn's books and another by Mikyla Dodd and her book is called 'The Fat Girl from "Hollyoaks"

She has lost over 150 pounds and you can get the gist of her story here.

Do you guys have any weigh loss related fiction or biographies that you love to read, or inspires you? I'd love to hear your literary choices.

Girl in Fatsuit
xxxxxxxx

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict...

My name is Fat Girl and i am an addict. Let me tell you about my drug, it is so accessible! It's everywhere. You don't have to be a certain age to buy it, it's not illegal, and there are thousands of different versions that you can have! It's food.

The past few nights i have been craving sweets, sweet chocolate, dessert, anything with caramel or chocolate to be honest. I even seriously thought about driving to McDonald's and getting my strange but ultra tasty mix treat... fries and caramel sundae. I love to dip the fries in the ice cream and then eat the caramel last. But i have stopped my self. It is so easy to think " Just one more chocolate bar or just one more chip, just one more..." But it never really is worth it.

I have felt like a total addict recently. I have needed hits of sugar to satisfy me, otherwise i get all agitated and feel like i am missing something. Sometimes i give in, sometimes i manage to control myself. It's a thing i do now. Do i really want this? How will i feel if i eat this? Will it really make me feel better? Is my body craving sugar or is it my brain/feelings?

Having these thoughts of addiction in my mind i went on the net to look it up. I found that not only was i not alone in having these feelings but there is scientific proof about having these feelings.

"A team from Scripps Research Institute in Florida found binging on junk food triggered the same chemical release in the brain that heroin and cocaine addicts experience when they get high."

So because i am cutting out the chocolate, ice cream, fries (god i miss them sometimes) i am having withdrawal symptoms. In a way, that is rather sad and i want to be able to control these feelings, temptations and cravings but sometimes i just can't. I do sometimes have a weak moment and "binge" on junk food. Why could i not just binge on carrot sticks and lettuce? But what is different to me binging before March 2010 and after is that i binge an awful lot less and i now exercise.

Plus binging then and now are completely two different things. Before i could polish off a tub of ice cream, eat tons of pop corn, giant bars of chocolate. Now i will have a white chocolate bueno (4p for the 2 bars), i buy WW carrot cake slices because they are 1p a slice i don't feel too guilty about it and they are delicious too! They have a layer of icing too which satisfy my cravings. So delicious are they that the boyfriend even eats them. Although as any addict would, i get annoyed at the boyfriend eating them... they ARE my carrot cake slices after all!

Before i used to over indulge, now i treat within my points. I may not be knowledgeable in many areas but i do know this. I have a healthier attitude to food, if i can't help but to feed my withdrawals i know that i can redeem my self later on, not say "oh well i blew it for today i might as well carry on" which is something i used to say.

This addiction with food is something i can overcome but don't think i will ever shake off. I can keep the addiction monster at bay but bring out the good stuff at the wrong time and it can be set off again. I know that and can accept that. But for now, i am still working at it.

A Mixed bag of feelings

Today was the day of my dream job interview. I was so nervous that i think i may have ruined my chances as there are a lot of applicants who may have been better. But i don't really want to concentrate on it. If i keep thinking of the mistakes i did, i will only get myself down. But I'll find out in 2 - 3 weeks. So fingers crossed.

But i am overwhelmed by the positive remarks over my exposed post. Such beautiful and positive comments. People are calling me an inspiration which makes me feel a tad like a fraud. I am just at the beginning stages, my journey is no where near the half way mark. I think people like Brooke are the true inspirations. (I'm sorry Brooke i keep referring to you, I've kinda just attached myself to you and think of you like a mentor.)

So these comments have made me feel happy. Its amazing what a few kind words can do to a person. They certainly have cheered me up no end.

I have a new phone, and i have twitter running on it constantly (thank goodness i am a heavy sleeper as it must always go off at night when all you across the pond are still awake) and i am always a message away from people who are just like me. A larger person who is trying to change their life. But this past few weeks, I've realised its not just larger people, it's sweet, kind, caring strangers who are rapidly becoming people i look forward to hearing from.

Although i am a positive person, i am making an extra effort to count my blessings. I am blessed to have a family, friends and boyfriend who love me. I am blessed to have a job even if it is only 8 hours a week and in retail hell, I'm blessed to have people on twitter who understand me, encourage me, and listen to me. Call it blessed, call it lucky, call it whatever. If you think positive, you attract positive.

I have a new moto: Live Life, Love Life!

Love from the girl in the (shrinking) fatsuit x x x

ps. writing this post and thinking about the good things has made me feel happier

pissed off!

so lets deal with the positive. I have lost another 2 lbs this week. Making my total loss to a lovely 18 lbs/ 1st 4 lbs. Agin i did not track this week, i ate chocolate too. But i really must start tracking. I have also needed to get the bus recently as i didn't have access to a car so i have been getting off a stop early or walking a stop extra to get my walk on. Also whilst out on my travels i popped into a charity shop just by chance and found "only fat people skip breakfast" so i will give that a read too.

So why am i pissed off? I think i could break that xbox!! pointless stupid machine that brainwashes stupid boyfriend!!! Boyfriend went up to the north where he is from because he had an aptitude test for a job. this is the second test for a second job that he has screwed up. He came out of university last June, an has picked a part time job. one day a week at a social club. He has not even applied to a single job whilst being down here! he's applied to 3 up north because his parents told him to. But down here? nope.

So yeah anyway he was meant to come down yesterday, i called him up and he said he was leaving soon, but then spent, 3 hours on the xbox. how do i know this? i have an app on my phone that tells me when my friends are online on the xbox. So yeah anyway he comes down, have a nice evening etc.

This morning, the bell goes off. i answer the door, we get up. i come downstairs looking for something, he then starts moaning, and says are all the clothes on the floor clean....which i don't know. puts it all in the wash basket and goes straight on the xbox. He does that every morning. Every morning, afternoon and night. he's on that stupid xbox.

I love him so much, but he has no drive, no dreams or ambitions that sometimes i do wonder if it is better for me if i wasn't with him. I love him so much though, and when he is gone i miss him. but when does it come to the point where i have to start thinking of me?

I dunno how to put it any other way. my mind is all over the place. But i know i'd love to do this to his xbox!



x x x

And another loss!

No more Hen do's, birthdays or religious holidays that require you to drink and eat your size in chocolate or alcohol! Hurahh! I went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday dreading the scales and it turns out i LOST another 5 lbs!!! Bringing my total weight loss to a wonderful sweet sounding 16 lbs (1st 2 lbs).

I was given my first stone milestone stone to keep in my purse and i felt incredible and so motivated! I needed to go to the post office today and instead of jumping in the car and driving there i decided to walk, with words of encouragement fresh in my mind from the meeting. I don't know why i can find that walk to town so daunting and long when in reality it is no more than a 10 minute walk! I am seriously considering getting myself one of them pedometers that tells me how much I'd doing and if it is to a satisfactory level.

Other than that great news i am doing alright, really starting to consider the gym now, now that i am carrying a little less of well me! I would love to get into yoga, i think I'd like a wii fit too but something tells me i wouldn't really use it! that maybe a simple pedometer will do!

sending out loving thoughts to all yous :D

lots of love, from the girl in the fat suit!

So shameful!

I feel so ashamed... my WW plan has taken it's dip but I'm trying to get back on. I think it was because i lost my routine and my way. I need to get back on the horse! I don't want to stop 2 weeks into it!

After putting on 2 lbs after the hen weekend i don't want to know how much i put on during my birthday week! So i did not go to my meeting, which made me feel bad. Now everything i eat makes me feel guilty. I always seem hungry too. Boyfriend is finally getting his letter from the job centre to say he is unemployed to get a cheaper gym membership so we can go together. I also want to go and try yoga. But yeah i don't want to feel like this anymore... i don't want to feel like i am depriving myself yet again but then again depriving myself is more like gorging on crappy food that won't make me feel any better for eating it. I am battling my two brains... my gimmie more food part and the sensible part. I guess i need to try and gain control, hence me getting back on track with knitting to keep my hands busy so they wont be sneaking to the cupboard!

That's it for now, I'm not feeling too chatty at the moment.

Love from the girl in the fat suit.
xx xx

End of the Week

So weigh in day is today at 7pm and I'm looking forward to it. I had a good week bar yesterday where i think i went over my points by 0.5. However i had over 20 saved so i think there will be a weight loss. I'm gutted no one has been able to see a real difference in me, however there must be a difference because i tried on a top at Dorothy Perkins yesterday (a shop i had been banished from because they only go to a size 22 and i was a size 24/26) i tried on a beautiful top that was a 22 and it fitted! I was over the moon! I wanted to buy it but on the back in big white letters were the words DorethyPerkins.co.uk. Why would a shop do that! Why? It's not cool!

Anyway yesterday i went out with my best friend and bride to be and spent way too much money. I bought myself a whole bunch of new underwear from Primark that were a 20/22 and they fit like a dream! I also bought hen night goodies for Friday/Saturday.

After the shopping trip we went to Frankie and Benny's for lunch and i did have trouble finding low points food. I took my trusty Eating Out points book and settled for a 12 point BBQ chicken pizza. My friend then ordered a cheesy garlic bread not realising it was also the size of a pizza! i had 2 small slices of this cheesy and garlicky goodness. And wow i have not had something quite as tasty as that in a long time! I could of just had that instead of my pizza! For drinks i had water and no desert. Instead i had to watch my friend have a cinnamon waffle topped with nuts and caramel instead... i was so jealous! She kept saying "it's not so nice you know" when i know she was lying because A) she ate it all...almost licked the plate clean and B) i have had it before. it is to die for!! But i was proud of my good behaviour...well almost bar the cheesy garlic bread bit. But know if i ever am going to eat out or get a take away i want a chicken Kebab with salad as it only has 4 or 5 points!

Now about the Hen do... i think i have decided to just forget about the 2 days... enjoy it like any girl should, drink copious amount of alcohol but be extra good with the days around it. Keep my food intake to a minimum and just drink water. If i put on a pound or 2 then it won't be the end of the world. It would be disappointed but I'm not expecting my friend to have any more hen parties anytime soon!


As i went shopping yesterday there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will soon (hopefully within the next couple of months) be able to go shopping in these shops. Create outfits and look more fabulous than i already am!

Totally Demotivated

Today i feel totally demotivated! I always feel like I'm over eating now and i shouldn't be eating but when i look back at my points tracker I'm in fact under eating my points...sometimes by 5 or 6 points. i feel like I'm depriving myself as well but then the other side of my brains shouts out no don't eat that it has X amount of points!

I'm scared to cook any meals myself because what if i don't get the ingredients right and or what if my portion size is not right its like ahhh.... so I'm sticking to ready meals by weight watchers because i least i know it's 5.5 points or something like it.

I was also like oooh i lost 10 pounds now I'm like i don't notice a difference... i know it's not going to happen over night but I'm starting to get a bit obsessed and i want to know now how much i weight to make sure I'm on track! But we have never kept scales in the house. I'm just torn in two!

I'm hoping to get at least 4 pounds off this week so i can hit my 1 stone off weight loss mile stone. That's what's keeping me going. But all i want to do is hit the corner shop and buy a big old bar of chocolate and munch my way through it but that would just spoil everything. I have eaten chocolate this week. I had the most amazing white chocolate bueno... every bit was tastier than the last, in fact i was a bit sad when i finished it. Which in its self is quite sad itself!

I'm trying to change my attitude with food but as many of you may know it's hard! My head is really all over the place!

What is also worrying me is that this weekend i have a hen do to go to as i am maid of honour. There will be so much drinking taking place and i dunno what to drink as what i tend to like to drink is probably most calorific. Shall i have 2 bad days/ nights? i can't stand any diet drink...and vodka so vodka and diet coke is definitely not for me! Well I'll ponder it out a bit and let you know what my conclusions will be.

Bye for now!
Love from the girl in the fat suit
xxx

Things That I'm Looking Forward To...

Last night i was so emotional and i couldn't sleep. So i tried to think of happy things to try to distract myself and i came up to thinking what i would do when i was a size 16/18 as opposed to a 24/26 and i started to get all excited.

There is two world i believe when you are overweight... the things you can do and the things the world tells you that you can't do!

I'm told i can't shop in "normal" clothes shops and if i can i am mainly banished to the corner of the "plus size" range, or if the shop does do clothes in larger sizes i have rummage at the back of the clothes just hoping they have what i want in my size or i have to go to the one plus size shop (Evans) and pay over the odds for frankly items of clothing is not my style and designed for someone who is around 15 years older than i am. I don't want to just settle... i want to pick and chose what i want to wear...mix and match from shops... i want to shop at Primark with ease... i want to go out with my friends and not be just the advisor on the clothes they try on because shock horror they don't do my size!

I'm told i can go on theme park rides because I'm too big for the seats. Years ago when i was around a size 22, i went to Thorpe Park and i was so excited because i love theme parks. Its the thrill of it i guess! When i jumped into the seat, it wouldn't shut... i had 2 staff try and push the seat down and it just wouldn't click into place. I can't tell you how humiliated i was! I have never been to a theme park since. I always claim i can't afford it but in reality i don't want to queue up with friends for an hour for a ride to then wait for them to enjoy their 1 minute ride! If i wanted to spend my day queuing i would jump in the car and spend the day on the M25!

Love for me has never been a problem. I have had relationships since 16 and i am currently in a very loving relationship for over 2 and half years. He is very encouraging and supportive in what i want, tells me i am beautiful and sexy everyday which makes me a very lucky girl. I am truly blessed in having my relationship.

I look forward to flying on an aeroplane. I mean i have flown yearly but i always stick myself in the window seat so the bf can sit next to me. I am fed up of seeing the faces of disappointment and disgust of fellow passengers who realise they have to sit next to me and face a 2+ hour journey next to someone who takes up so much space. I can't wait to be able to do up the seat belt and pull the adjuster rather than max it out to the longest length and breath in as much as i can hoping it will do up.

I also find that when i am on the tube that I'm the last person someone sits next to. I'm already squeezed into a seat. The stranger who dares sit next to me would have already weighed up the options to either stand or give their tired feet a rest but also squeeze into the seat.

I look forward in doing these things... which a lot of people take for granted. The lucky ones who can eat anything and stay slender, the ones who work hard to keep their shape. I one day will be one of them lucky ones and that's the thing... i will consider myself lucky... i broke the cycle of feeling down and eating and become the person i envisage in my mind that i really am. I'm no fool, i know my life won't be perfect once i lose weight however i know my life will become easier.

Thinking of all them things i want to do is what motivates me not to fall into my cycle of when feeling down i comfort myself by eating the house out of all the sweet sugary carbs it possesses but by doing something else...something more productive.

Thanks for reading.

Love from the Girl in the Fat Suit x x

Week 2

Hi there! My name is Stephie and i am the girl in the fat suit. Not literally but i am a girl and i am packing a few extra pounds...well packing a few extra stones to be honest.

I always seemed content to the outside world with who i am/was (still not sure which one it should be) but to be honest i was not. From a young age i was forever praying and wishing i could be thin, wished i had magic hands that would make the fat just disappear. I was always the fat girl, the fat friend, the one everyone loved but never in love with. I'd find a few guys who loved me for me but i was always self conscious. Saying that i am now in a loving relationship for 2 and a half years and could not be happier.

Recently i went on a holiday and had the time of my life with free bars and all inclusive breakfasts and dinners and of course my friends. But looking back on the pictures, i looked so big and round. I couldn't recognise myself. What i saw through my eyes what not who i was in my mind. In my mind i am a size 12... in reality i was a size 24!

My mother has always been on my back about my weight. She also from a young age suffered with weight issues and around 10 years ago was one of the first in the country to receive a gastric band. I saw how much weight she was loosing yes...but i also had a back stage pass so to speak and saw what she didn't want others to see. I saw the constant throwing up, the pain she went through eating... how she only drank her meals and never ate with us and it was something i did not want.

So with all of that in my mind, that horrible pictures from the holiday, the snide remarks and laughs from perfect strangers, my mother pressuring me for something i did not want i went and joined Weight Watchers.

Now i have done diets in my time..but the thing is.. i love food too much, i want to be able to go out with friends and have a meal, be able to order a take away etc. But i knew i had to do something soon. I want to be able to go into New look and browse the entire shop instead of a tiny section with semi nice clothes... i want to choose my clothes rather than a that will do outfit.

So as i said, i did my first week of weight watchers, which has made me slightly even more obsessed with food, but i haven't always denied myself of everything. I had 2 chocolate bars during the week, i had chicken kebab... although no chips. I have even eaten a packet of crisps... and guess what... i lost 10 pounds in my first week! I already feel a difference.

So i am going to put up some blogs about me, my weight loss, my life and hoping i can get somethings off my chest, get advice and encouragement! I am currently on week 2 of weight watchers and now feel like i can conquer the world!

So my 5% of my body weight goal is 21st

I started at 22st 3lb
Week one 21st 7lb - a loss of 10 lbs!!