Wednesday, 31 March 2010

So shameful!

I feel so ashamed... my WW plan has taken it's dip but I'm trying to get back on. I think it was because i lost my routine and my way. I need to get back on the horse! I don't want to stop 2 weeks into it!

After putting on 2 lbs after the hen weekend i don't want to know how much i put on during my birthday week! So i did not go to my meeting, which made me feel bad. Now everything i eat makes me feel guilty. I always seem hungry too. Boyfriend is finally getting his letter from the job centre to say he is unemployed to get a cheaper gym membership so we can go together. I also want to go and try yoga. But yeah i don't want to feel like this anymore... i don't want to feel like i am depriving myself yet again but then again depriving myself is more like gorging on crappy food that won't make me feel any better for eating it. I am battling my two brains... my gimmie more food part and the sensible part. I guess i need to try and gain control, hence me getting back on track with knitting to keep my hands busy so they wont be sneaking to the cupboard!

That's it for now, I'm not feeling too chatty at the moment.

Love from the girl in the fat suit.
xx xx

Friday, 26 March 2010

It's been a while

It's been a while since my last post as i have been a busy bee. I went to the hen do and then i had an interview at Nissan up in Sunderland, North East England. This week i have put on 2Lbs mainly from the hen do and all the pizza and cocktails! To be honest i thought it would be a lot more so i am not disheartened.

Boyfriend's mum is so into me doing weight watchers.... maybe slightly more obsessed with me. But the thing is that i found it so hard to stick to my points because i was away from my home, and not able to keep track online. So i was not good either the past few days. I also went to a meeting up there because i have a monthly pass but because i only had my pass number and not my actual pass i had to pay £5.50! i was gutted. so not only did i have to pay £5.50 but i put on 2 Lbs....

My interview went well. they seemed to like me, i felt like i gave good answers. So i find out today or next week if my life is to turn upside down again and move up north. The salary, though, is more than worth it.

Today is my birthday, and i got all upset. Not because i was another year older but boyfriend's grandparents gave me £40 for my birthday. That sounds bad.. i loved the money but it made me sad because i don't have my own grandparents. Not really. My grandfather died 4 days after i was born, and both grandmothers died recently. Which only leaves my grandfather who lives in Spain and who unfortunately has Alzheimer's and the majority of the time can not remember me. It makes me wish that my grandparents wouldn't have lived so far away as i was growing up. One set lived in Spain the other lived in the North West of England.... I grew up seeing each set once a year if i was lucky! I don't want that to happen to my children when i have them. Which will be hard because my parents live in London, and boyfriend's parents live in the North East.

But enough of me feeling sorry for myself, it's my birthday!!! Where's the cake?!

Love from the girl in the fat suit
x x x

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

So upset

So it was weigh in yesterday and i lost 3lbs bringing my grand total to 13lbs. I was disappointed because i wanted a minimum of 4 because it would bring it up to a stone. But still 3 pounds is 3 pounds. I also weighed my handbag whilst there was a lull in the weigh in and it was 9 and a half pounds! I was flabbergasted! My bag was so heavy but i lost more than that in my first week!

Well off i go to meet my mum in London and she asked me how much i lost, i could see the excitement and anticipation in her eyes and when i told her 3lbs her face dropped, and gave me a look of disappointment. Later on, when we were on the tube home she turned round to me and asked me why do i think i lost ONLY 3lbs? did i eat too much this week? I almost cried.

I felt like saying...wait you have had your gastric band opened a bit and you've put on 40lbs.... my stomach is bigger than yours and i have lost weight and you have not! yet you are moaning about how much weight you put on? isn't that hypercritical? Why haven't you lost weight? that's right because you barely eat but drink about 4 cups of "coffee" with full fat milk in it, double cream and sometime custard in it too! But of course i couldn't say this because it would be disrespectful...cruel...and i am her beloved daughter who now has to lend her clothes because her old ones do not fit anymore. I think i have some unresolved issues with my mother!

I just received a call about a possible job. I have an interview on Tuesday...but the thing is that it is based 300 miles away. Near the area i went to university to and near to wear my boyfriend comes from. To be honest i have more friends up there than down here in London but my very best friend lives down here and the last time we told her that my boyfriend had an interview up there for the same company she cried all night. Tomorrow is her birthday and her hen do this weekend, i don't want to tell her because i don't want to ruin these special few days for her. In fact i can't think of when the right time to tell her is.

I have mixed feelings. i mean i need a proper job, i only work weekends. I need to money and a job so that my boyfriend and i can move forward with our lives, to get engaged, to move into our own place. However, i don't want to leave her. She is the sister i never had. Then there is leaving my family, my cat! Which i hope to bring with me if i get the job and manage to get my own place. She is my baby. I don't know, it's an opportunity i need. That we need. I'll keep you posted.

love from The Girl in the Fat Suit

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

End of the Week

So weigh in day is today at 7pm and I'm looking forward to it. I had a good week bar yesterday where i think i went over my points by 0.5. However i had over 20 saved so i think there will be a weight loss. I'm gutted no one has been able to see a real difference in me, however there must be a difference because i tried on a top at Dorothy Perkins yesterday (a shop i had been banished from because they only go to a size 22 and i was a size 24/26) i tried on a beautiful top that was a 22 and it fitted! I was over the moon! I wanted to buy it but on the back in big white letters were the words Why would a shop do that! Why? It's not cool!

Anyway yesterday i went out with my best friend and bride to be and spent way too much money. I bought myself a whole bunch of new underwear from Primark that were a 20/22 and they fit like a dream! I also bought hen night goodies for Friday/Saturday.

After the shopping trip we went to Frankie and Benny's for lunch and i did have trouble finding low points food. I took my trusty Eating Out points book and settled for a 12 point BBQ chicken pizza. My friend then ordered a cheesy garlic bread not realising it was also the size of a pizza! i had 2 small slices of this cheesy and garlicky goodness. And wow i have not had something quite as tasty as that in a long time! I could of just had that instead of my pizza! For drinks i had water and no desert. Instead i had to watch my friend have a cinnamon waffle topped with nuts and caramel instead... i was so jealous! She kept saying "it's not so nice you know" when i know she was lying because A) she ate it all...almost licked the plate clean and B) i have had it before. it is to die for!! But i was proud of my good behaviour...well almost bar the cheesy garlic bread bit. But know if i ever am going to eat out or get a take away i want a chicken Kebab with salad as it only has 4 or 5 points!

Now about the Hen do... i think i have decided to just forget about the 2 days... enjoy it like any girl should, drink copious amount of alcohol but be extra good with the days around it. Keep my food intake to a minimum and just drink water. If i put on a pound or 2 then it won't be the end of the world. It would be disappointed but I'm not expecting my friend to have any more hen parties anytime soon!

As i went shopping yesterday there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I will soon (hopefully within the next couple of months) be able to go shopping in these shops. Create outfits and look more fabulous than i already am!

Saturday, 13 March 2010

Totally Demotivated

Today i feel totally demotivated! I always feel like I'm over eating now and i shouldn't be eating but when i look back at my points tracker I'm in fact under eating my points...sometimes by 5 or 6 points. i feel like I'm depriving myself as well but then the other side of my brains shouts out no don't eat that it has X amount of points!

I'm scared to cook any meals myself because what if i don't get the ingredients right and or what if my portion size is not right its like ahhh.... so I'm sticking to ready meals by weight watchers because i least i know it's 5.5 points or something like it.

I was also like oooh i lost 10 pounds now I'm like i don't notice a difference... i know it's not going to happen over night but I'm starting to get a bit obsessed and i want to know now how much i weight to make sure I'm on track! But we have never kept scales in the house. I'm just torn in two!

I'm hoping to get at least 4 pounds off this week so i can hit my 1 stone off weight loss mile stone. That's what's keeping me going. But all i want to do is hit the corner shop and buy a big old bar of chocolate and munch my way through it but that would just spoil everything. I have eaten chocolate this week. I had the most amazing white chocolate bueno... every bit was tastier than the last, in fact i was a bit sad when i finished it. Which in its self is quite sad itself!

I'm trying to change my attitude with food but as many of you may know it's hard! My head is really all over the place!

What is also worrying me is that this weekend i have a hen do to go to as i am maid of honour. There will be so much drinking taking place and i dunno what to drink as what i tend to like to drink is probably most calorific. Shall i have 2 bad days/ nights? i can't stand any diet drink...and vodka so vodka and diet coke is definitely not for me! Well I'll ponder it out a bit and let you know what my conclusions will be.

Bye for now!
Love from the girl in the fat suit

Friday, 12 March 2010

Things That I'm Looking Forward To...

Last night i was so emotional and i couldn't sleep. So i tried to think of happy things to try to distract myself and i came up to thinking what i would do when i was a size 16/18 as opposed to a 24/26 and i started to get all excited.

There is two world i believe when you are overweight... the things you can do and the things the world tells you that you can't do!

I'm told i can't shop in "normal" clothes shops and if i can i am mainly banished to the corner of the "plus size" range, or if the shop does do clothes in larger sizes i have rummage at the back of the clothes just hoping they have what i want in my size or i have to go to the one plus size shop (Evans) and pay over the odds for frankly items of clothing is not my style and designed for someone who is around 15 years older than i am. I don't want to just settle... i want to pick and chose what i want to wear...mix and match from shops... i want to shop at Primark with ease... i want to go out with my friends and not be just the advisor on the clothes they try on because shock horror they don't do my size!

I'm told i can go on theme park rides because I'm too big for the seats. Years ago when i was around a size 22, i went to Thorpe Park and i was so excited because i love theme parks. Its the thrill of it i guess! When i jumped into the seat, it wouldn't shut... i had 2 staff try and push the seat down and it just wouldn't click into place. I can't tell you how humiliated i was! I have never been to a theme park since. I always claim i can't afford it but in reality i don't want to queue up with friends for an hour for a ride to then wait for them to enjoy their 1 minute ride! If i wanted to spend my day queuing i would jump in the car and spend the day on the M25!

Love for me has never been a problem. I have had relationships since 16 and i am currently in a very loving relationship for over 2 and half years. He is very encouraging and supportive in what i want, tells me i am beautiful and sexy everyday which makes me a very lucky girl. I am truly blessed in having my relationship.

I look forward to flying on an aeroplane. I mean i have flown yearly but i always stick myself in the window seat so the bf can sit next to me. I am fed up of seeing the faces of disappointment and disgust of fellow passengers who realise they have to sit next to me and face a 2+ hour journey next to someone who takes up so much space. I can't wait to be able to do up the seat belt and pull the adjuster rather than max it out to the longest length and breath in as much as i can hoping it will do up.

I also find that when i am on the tube that I'm the last person someone sits next to. I'm already squeezed into a seat. The stranger who dares sit next to me would have already weighed up the options to either stand or give their tired feet a rest but also squeeze into the seat.

I look forward in doing these things... which a lot of people take for granted. The lucky ones who can eat anything and stay slender, the ones who work hard to keep their shape. I one day will be one of them lucky ones and that's the thing... i will consider myself lucky... i broke the cycle of feeling down and eating and become the person i envisage in my mind that i really am. I'm no fool, i know my life won't be perfect once i lose weight however i know my life will become easier.

Thinking of all them things i want to do is what motivates me not to fall into my cycle of when feeling down i comfort myself by eating the house out of all the sweet sugary carbs it possesses but by doing something else...something more productive.

Thanks for reading.

Love from the Girl in the Fat Suit x x

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Week 2

Hi there! My name is Stephie and i am the girl in the fat suit. Not literally but i am a girl and i am packing a few extra pounds...well packing a few extra stones to be honest.

I always seemed content to the outside world with who i am/was (still not sure which one it should be) but to be honest i was not. From a young age i was forever praying and wishing i could be thin, wished i had magic hands that would make the fat just disappear. I was always the fat girl, the fat friend, the one everyone loved but never in love with. I'd find a few guys who loved me for me but i was always self conscious. Saying that i am now in a loving relationship for 2 and a half years and could not be happier.

Recently i went on a holiday and had the time of my life with free bars and all inclusive breakfasts and dinners and of course my friends. But looking back on the pictures, i looked so big and round. I couldn't recognise myself. What i saw through my eyes what not who i was in my mind. In my mind i am a size 12... in reality i was a size 24!

My mother has always been on my back about my weight. She also from a young age suffered with weight issues and around 10 years ago was one of the first in the country to receive a gastric band. I saw how much weight she was loosing yes...but i also had a back stage pass so to speak and saw what she didn't want others to see. I saw the constant throwing up, the pain she went through eating... how she only drank her meals and never ate with us and it was something i did not want.

So with all of that in my mind, that horrible pictures from the holiday, the snide remarks and laughs from perfect strangers, my mother pressuring me for something i did not want i went and joined Weight Watchers.

Now i have done diets in my time..but the thing is.. i love food too much, i want to be able to go out with friends and have a meal, be able to order a take away etc. But i knew i had to do something soon. I want to be able to go into New look and browse the entire shop instead of a tiny section with semi nice clothes... i want to choose my clothes rather than a that will do outfit.

So as i said, i did my first week of weight watchers, which has made me slightly even more obsessed with food, but i haven't always denied myself of everything. I had 2 chocolate bars during the week, i had chicken kebab... although no chips. I have even eaten a packet of crisps... and guess what... i lost 10 pounds in my first week! I already feel a difference.

So i am going to put up some blogs about me, my weight loss, my life and hoping i can get somethings off my chest, get advice and encouragement! I am currently on week 2 of weight watchers and now feel like i can conquer the world!

So my 5% of my body weight goal is 21st

I started at 22st 3lb
Week one 21st 7lb - a loss of 10 lbs!!